Sunday, November 27, 2005
wintry warmth
wow, its like over.
it can be so exciting... the wild abandonment kinda excitement that makes you wanna scream sing kiss someone because you're suddenly struck in the face by time, freedom, empty spaces stretching full in front of you.. yours to consume.. yours to make something of.. your life is finally yours to steer.. well at least for these few long glorious months anyway. (:
you awake to sunshine sweeping across your face like a gold spread, or otherwise to a little boy jumping on you giggling his head off.. and the day is full of fresh expectant happiness.
filled with promises of dreams unfufilled, but soon to be.
its the kind of life that is so bursting full of love that you might just very well in the sanest of minds, balance on the railings of ur balcony n then calmly step of the edge. boldy.. so rooted in certainty of life's beauty n promises that you.. feel like you can walk on air.
yes im a happy girl. already the trauma of the As seem like a rather distant nightmare. rather.
and im making plans.. with all the zeal, naive, perhaps idealistic wonderment. wow whee yipee. yet.... i feel kinda sad too. why? i dont know... we're been talking about 'after As' since the first day of school. straining at our ropes, bitting at air at the far away freedom. making dreams that were torn shaken uprooted by the threat of the next common test, and the next and the next. (we'll cross the bridge when it comes) and now that its gone.. we're manage to crawl out from under the fat gigantic troll that have been sitting on us.. 2yrs of school life cut abrupt.. i feel slightly lost.
it seemed like an eternity yet too fleeting. all that memories, what do i do with them? those lovely friendships that have found roots deep in my heart, where do we take it from here if anywhere? i have officially lost the right to get student discount meals.. giggle like a light headed school girl.. sit like a coffee shop uncle... etc. im not part of something else bigger anymore... not that i particularly enjoyed the nj cheers n activities. hahah. but they were okay. comfy stuff that grow on you.
and now that my life is mine to make, its kinda scary. its you, your life, your dreams, your consequences. exciting but scary. now that the bridge has come, i feel afraid to cross it. its these two conflicting emotions that make me feel.... numb. immobile under the assault of two opposing forces. i hate being afraid. its so ugggh.
who should i be.. the bright n sunny ohheckitallilovemylifenimgoingallouttoexperienceit or the ishallapproachwithcautionlestifallnbruisemyselftodeath?
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dreamed.at .|. 2:03 AM
Saturday, November 26, 2005
daisy days
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dreamed.at .|. 12:03 PM
Monday, November 14, 2005
the wooden people
Adapted this story
THE WOODEN PEOPLEThe Wemmicks were small wooden people. Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village. And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.
The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots. The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars. Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star. Others, though, could do little. They got dots.
Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots.After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason.
"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another.
"He's not a good wooden person." After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them. One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lulia.
It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lulia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either. "That's the way I want to be," thought Punchinello. "I don't want anyone's marks." hear hear! The As are making me feel terrible. i feel like some circus animal, caught in all that glaring lights n jarring noises, confused, hurt n wanting v much to retreat.. having to perform all sorts of fantastical tricks (look at me dear examiner! look at me! i can do this! i can do that! arent i amazing! am i A material?! am i woooooorthyyy?) just to let some faceless marker brand you worthy or not. uggggh.
but whose fault is it but mine? if i dont let those stickers stick then i wont be feeling this way.. i wont care if i messed up this or that as long as i tried my best. i wont care as long as i did my best even tho my best wasnt enough. i wont care if the examiner wrote 'buffoon' or 'jabbering idiot' on my paper.. nor would i care if he wrote 'wow, math goddess!'. lol.
boy, i've got a lot to learn. n i dont mean A level subjects.
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dreamed.at .|. 3:01 PM
Friday, November 04, 2005
top eight songs of the dayhold on - good charlottetime of your life- green day
superman- five for fighting
silent all these years- tori amos
if- bread
yellow submarine- the beatles
someday- sugar ray
why- avril lavigne
these songs have been on replay mode on my zen the whole day. nice thing.. to be able to listen to music n mug at the same time. besides, it blocks out the loud jarring empty echos in the house. yes....im alone again! dads on hol w ac again..this time in hong kong. sis is out again, having a life. so its just me, my maid, pebbles, and my angry uterus. how lovely! do i feel abandoned? why, of course not!
not that we've left totally alone though.. there's been a surge in visitors these few days.
ants! they've everywhere...drowning themselves in my cup, sneaking in betw my sheets of paper, tickling my arms n legs....uugh. i usually try to blow them away but others will somehow still find their way back! sheesh, they want to die isit. already theres been several accidental deaths n i feel like a mass murderer! :(
n flies! w huge wing things. swarming ard the lights, dive bombing me, parachuting into my food, molesting me.. n when their wings fall off its no better. masses of black wriggling things on every inch of the floor.... puuuke. do u not feel my horror?
and then there were monkeys. brown hairy lil things..loitering outside our kitchen.. balancing on the bars with their nimble feet. there were 2 of them. suspect they're a couple. hahah. thought they were quite cute at first but my maid didnt think so and started yelling 'stupid! naughty! shooo!' and the monkey just looked at her in mild surprise and stayed where it was. then my maid took out a broom n started waving it ard, whereupon the monkey still sat unmoving, regarding the broom n my maid with disdain. pebbles joined in n started barking n wagging her tail but they just shot looks of condescension at her. talk abt arrogance. only when my maid banged the bar with the broom did they abandon all pretence and swung away to the neighbours house where they managed to steal a starfruit before the maid there started shrieking n spraying them w water. so they fled, w a starfruit as a mark of their conquest. hahah. all throughout that day i listened to the maids gossiping bout the impudent monkeys. so amusing.
the As are here. speeding towards us head on, descending upon us like a dull red haze. siiiigh. all i want is to be able to say 'i did my best' and wash my hands clean after that.
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dreamed.at .|. 10:35 PM