Wednesday, July 27, 2005
it is not the swirling debri, bishbish bangbang crashcrash that is apallingly frightening,
but the silence and emptiness that resides when the dust settles.
this past few days i seem to click on n off sullen 'depression' mode.. till i again constantly forget to count my blessings. so wat if your dads a pressure cooker, ur results suck n there dont seem to be a hole for improvement? u still have blahblahblahblah blah blah blah right? heh. nice try.
still, failure is not an option.. i wont allow it to be. n i guess i'll just have to learn to live up to my expectations n mine alone. gotta dump those stupid baggages, burn those bridges n force myself thru.
oh Strength! be my fren! heh (:
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dreamed.at .|. 2:13 AM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
yay had a really great day yesterday (: im 18!! whoohoo. mature me :] so fast.. before i know it i might evolve into an old hag. hahah.
i've got so much to say tt i guess i shant say anything much after all.. let the pics speak for themselves. just feel really blessed tt i have such great frens n family who all put in effort to show they care n make my eighteenth a special day for me.
all tt stuff... aunts n cousins organised a small party for me at grandads on fri.. it was nothing extravagant but filled w warmth n laughter..
then on sat, char n na treating me to lunch at the soup spoon...
then met up at amk w sy n sally for awhile.. n they tried to give me a surprise w the cake but i kinda suspected it when they started acting all suspicious.. hahah. and the presents....nth expensive but it shows tt much thought has been put into it... oh man! i feel so happy its kinda scary. hahah. its nice to know tt pple do bother to care even w their own busy lives.. n tho the tides of life are always changing, bringing along different things, some things like the love of an old good fren will be likely to stay.
n at night went esplanade w sharm n jill. ate at nooch bar first where i occasionally had to tick them off for their (tsk) juvenile behaviour. heehee. it was all so cool. the atmosphere at the esplanade esp (: tho the place was riddled w wierd punks tt kept yelling at us for some reason.
bah all this writing down cant seem to say anything. it was just a really special day. thanks alot to all those who wished me! :]
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dreamed.at .|. 1:42 AM
the cake sy n sally gave me! :]
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dreamed.at .|. 1:40 AM
the pillar very nice
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dreamed.at .|. 1:34 AM
yuuum
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dreamed.at .|. 1:27 AM
bairy n barney twins!
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dreamed.at .|. 1:26 AM
jill n i at the esplanade
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dreamed.at .|. 1:26 AM
barney
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dreamed.at .|. 1:25 AM
Saturday, July 23, 2005
dinner with carnivorous jill n sharm. [she forgot there were utensils]
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dreamed.at .|. 10:18 PM
and again!
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dreamed.at .|. 10:15 PM
SIN YAN and SALLY (belly!) :)
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dreamed.at .|. 10:14 PM
at soupspoon w na n char. mmmmm.
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dreamed.at .|. 10:11 PM
all my cousins!
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dreamed.at .|. 10:04 PM
at granddads. cake baked by aunt patt :]
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dreamed.at .|. 10:03 PM
baby darren! aka beanbean (:
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dreamed.at .|. 10:02 PM
anna n my god bro bryan being grumpy. he dislikes being pressed to her chest i suppose. hahah
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dreamed.at .|. 10:01 PM
us sitting on the 'roof' in my house. (:
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dreamed.at .|. 9:59 PM
Friday, July 22, 2005
isnt it pretty? (: she looks like she just dropped from heaven.
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dreamed.at .|. 3:09 AM
seth!! adam brody, the cutest guy on earth. :] for now anw.
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dreamed.at .|. 3:00 AM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
the enormity!
nitwit blubber oddment tweak! :]
hahah. k i shall disregard the fact tt some haven finished reading the book n blab abt it anw.
OMG. HBP was so... awesome. its overwhelming. im still trying to deal with the enormity of it. its a whole maelstrom. sadness, regret, sentiments, all kinds of relationships, betrayal, loss, and a bit of humour. what hit me most is the tender, almost sacred relationship betw dumbledore n harry. that mutual respect, understanding, complete trust and even love. its just so....WOW. how there are certain things more worthier than urself. the ability, willingness to see above oneself n ones constrictions so as to be able to do stuff beyond tt are out of ones benefits. its really sad!! him dying. but i knew it had to end this way of course. rowling kept dropping hints tt point to him dying... but i didnt noe it would be like that!! he's like an old fren man! :/ and snape... omg. whyyy?? i had sorta grudging respect for the stinking traitor all thru the previous books.. looks like we all had to much faith in dumbledore. n even when he did it i was still trying to make excuses for him..part of the plan, imperious curse? arrrggh. oily greasy cow. had as all fooled. i still dont believe he fooled dumbledore tho. bah :( the worst way to die is by betrayal.
all the time, everyone had their suspicions but trusted dumbledores judgement. even right to the very evening b4 hes death, dumbledore still defended snape. why?? is it cos dumbledore is not tt smart afterall? i highly doubt that. he must have knew.. just like he knew abt malfoy. perhaps than it was bcos he trusted, loved (toomuch?), was willing to give chances again n again. always harping on the good in pple? i believe tt dumbledores death was no mistake on his part.
i think there is more to it.. more to the trust tt dumbledore had in snape. it is not tt shallow.
hmmm. wat a great book anyhow. (: this one n goblet of fire are my favs. oh boy rowlings superb!
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dreamed.at .|. 2:09 AM
Saturday, July 16, 2005
yay wat a happy day (: the day started on a good note when a delivery man came to our house at 9am to present the HARRY POTTER book to us! n my sis needed to go sch so i hogged it for almost the whole day. hahah. now abt 1/3 thru it. so exciting! cant wait to finish it.
then had to tear myself away fr it to go for my bday lunch w my dad aunt ching n sis. its act next wk but my dad wont be in town. stuffed ourselves full at the jap buffet. yuuuum. fat stomach. aunt ching n my dad gave me this pretty skirt which my dad sulkily condemned as too short. hahah. he thinks anything above the knees is prostitute material. sheesh. then went home n cont reading. met jill at 8 for swensons dinner n then we walked ard. she got soooo absorbed reading this sex book at kino! n she kept making me listen to excerpts which she found interesting. uuuugh. hahah. she later bought her copy of harry potter at borders n i bought a book too! made use of her 30% discount. (: good bargain!
k this is starting to feel draggy. toodles.
mer- she's MINE. who clean her poop huh?
hang- hahah. oh man.. wat breed? nvm u can come visit pebbles!
sokie- WELL DONE! u're so cool man :]
huiming-hahahah. its auto censored i think. decided to go town instead of gg to watch :/ heard it was good right?
sharm-hey braney!! lol. get well soon.
jill- hey ur royal smelliness. no wonder i kept smelling stinky stuff in town today. must be you!
theo- no no no. not tt jean skirt! i tore it up alr. hahah.
ching-hahah. mug? suuure.
- sorry i kinda freaked u out tt day.
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dreamed.at .|. 9:31 AM
yay!! finally (:
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dreamed.at .|. 9:26 AM
dad n aunt ching
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dreamed.at .|. 9:12 AM
sis n i at sushi place
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dreamed.at .|. 9:12 AM
pebbles with her 'in' haircut! hahah.
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dreamed.at .|. 9:10 AM
acting cool
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dreamed.at .|. 9:09 AM
at swensons
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dreamed.at .|. 9:08 AM
Friday, July 15, 2005
my/our hearth's been dwindling. its a mere wisp of its former self. its been quenched and even the dying flames are ebbing.. taking away with it all the warmth, love n stability. oh it gets revived once in a while but only to serve as a peep hole to the lala life we once had. now its just splintering. into tiny fragments. so tiny tt if a passing fly breathes it would all rain down never to be pieced tog again. as if it is intristically not stable enough, others, prancing proudly about with their hearth-fire ablaze, come to our hearth to steal our warmth or wats left of it. empty chairs, lonely house, echoy halls. argh its all so complicated.. n damaging.
got back all our ct results this wk.. wat can i say? i feel like a
codfish tts been on the run fr fishing nets and having travelled the whole ocean finds itself being caught in a net again. how incredibly pointless. so disappointing. studying is pointless!! pointless!! im relatively stoic abt my results now... rising panics can be swallowed n controlled if u try hard enough.
its just hard to stare at dismal grades n feel your hopes evaportaing. n having pple point out tt they did better than u even tho u studied harder. as if my academic inadequacy isnt plain enough. glass cut straight to e heart. n to have to do it all over again.. rebuild shattered faith block by block, psychoing urself tt
YOU CAN DO IT even tho ur results clearly show otherwise. its just tiring.
Avril lavigne- nobody's home.
I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The
same mistakes againWhat's wrong what's wrong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place too go No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've
been rejectedNow you can't findWhat you've left behind
Be strong be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home
But
nobody's homeThat's where she lies
Broken insideWith no place too go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place yeah
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place too go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
She's lost inside lost inside
She's lost inside lost inside
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dreamed.at .|. 7:12 AM
Monday, July 11, 2005
ta daaaa! my darling pebbles! :)
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dreamed.at .|. 7:10 AM
yay! i finally learnt how to post pics. :] thanks to theo! hahah. u can expect more pics fr now on.
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dreamed.at .|. 7:05 AM
our oh-so-green class room
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dreamed.at .|. 7:03 AM
theo n i. nydc reunion :]
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dreamed.at .|. 7:00 AM
Saturday, July 09, 2005
met theo ching n ty in town yesterday. so great to see them all again! haven met since the last www outing. heh. shopped ard n gasped at the exhorbitantly priced clothes.
then chings phone got stolen n the happy mood was kinda splintered. it got stolen at zara!! like hello.. who would expect the rich, cultured, high class fashionistas at zara to actually stoop to stealing?! despicable really. to have that much money n yet steal fr a school girl. may a hundred pigeons pelt her with their shit till she enters her cell. hmph. we were seriously indignant. and that place didnt even have security cams. bahh.
then we proceeded to nydc for early dinner. pigs are we! hahah. goofed ard n took couple of pics. i must say we haven change much. in terms of looks anw.. still look as girlish as ever. hahah. but of course we were all mature, sensible women underneath. yep. (:
sy n sal coming over later. abt time! :]
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dreamed.at .|. 12:53 AM
the spinning top
bursts of speed makes it twirl high- roundroundround n then it lies on its side
unease
broken promises
pounding hearts
awkward handshakes
potent silences
hasty brush-aways
missed opportunities aplenty
tearful nights and shameful haunting secrets.
than just about every temporary high.
heads in the air
hands in your hair
swing your arms like you just dont care
shades on slides (c)over
glazed stoned
hairline crack
i just cant seem to find you/it/that anywhere
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dreamed.at .|. 12:31 AM
Monday, July 04, 2005
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.
who do we live for? we cant say we live for ourselves, because that wont be entirely true. after all, what is life if u dont have ur loved ones, people you treasure ard you? wont it take the colour out of life if you only lived for yourself, if no one else around you matters to you and you to them.. because if you lived for yourself only, you would have made no difference. and your passing away would be about as significant as a stray getting run over by a train. you pause, grimace, feel sorry for the poor thing's death and then carry on with your life as usual.. the image of the dead thing fading to make way for the bustle of the day. thats why i think people who commit suicide are selfish. a persons actions determine those of others. we are living for others too. we need the presence of others to kinda anchor ourselves on.. to give us a sense of self. but to depend on others till it reaches the point of leeching is awful, n selfishness too. after all, as close as pple might get, we are still seperate entities. thats why when its time to let go its time. clinging on too much only brings suffering to both parites.
spent youth day w sokie.. had movie marathon!! (: forrest gump, eternal sunshine and the hours. all great movies! prefered the other 2 to eternal sunshine of the spotless mine tho. woww.. we really have gd taste in movies. hahah.
sch starts tml. ahhh shiiiiiiiiit. i feel sooo tired. the thought of
all that. shant say anymore.
big HEY to all who tagged. :]
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dreamed.at .|. 8:01 AM
Sunday, July 03, 2005
beyond hills
i feel inspired. cant wait for As to be over so i can do all sorts of fun things! we were watching v.williams n l.davenport play tennis yesterday. woah it was sooo cool. rather long n tense match. couldnt decide who to support at first but settled on williams halfway.. cos she looked vvv stressed out n i felt so scared for her. hahah. but towards the end i started to lean towards davenport cos she yelled at the umpire. tt was so cool man.. the way she did it. n she had back ache n thigh strain or sth. so poor thing. hmm venus grunts pretty loud too. lol. was a pretty tight match but venus managed to just nail it in the end. like wow. n she was so super elated tt everyone of us started smiling too. her whole face changed n she started jumping ard grinning like anything. lol. yeah so aft watching the match we had even more renewed enthusiam in tennis. hahah. too bad we can barely return balls properly. we need practice!
another thing is tt i read bout this 30plus woman who took up ballet at tt age n is still doing pretty ok at it. waaaaahh. n i thought i would be an old hag. yay (: anyone wanna learn ballet w me? n maybe xt if shes still interested? guys welcome too. lol.
n theres still a gazillion things i wanna do aft As. join the youth ministry, budget trip to germany, internships, strumming... etcetc. oh if only! dreamsdreams. i've gotta scale tt vertical alevel mountain first.
whee. had a real fun wkend. n theres no sch tml! (:
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dreamed.at .|. 9:20 AM
Saturday, July 02, 2005
pinkstuds
yay cts are over! (: no more exams for......another 2mths? ok no big deal. aahh stupid As! but for now im just thankful for this long well deserved break.
went out w sharm n jill after the lit paper yesterday. went cine to watch A Lot Like Love! such a nice movie (: so sweet.. they were so suited for each other. relationship was so natural. felt there were too much of the sex thing tho. if u have so much sex then how would u noe if the attraction is love or lust?? hahah. ok nvm. was still a great movie nonetheless. then we shopped ard n went for the zara sale.. wow i wanted to buy like this 60bucks skirt! so nice.. but its way over my budget so too bad. sigh. bought a purple top instead.. yay. :]
went to collect my dads new car today.. it so HUGE! had to leap on and off it. hahah. look so stupid. tt was before i realised there was a platform there where i can act step on to scramble into the car. hahah. its the big black car which looks like a jeep. tires so gigantic.. maaaaaan. it looks like a giant black bug! but my dad loves it so.... oh well. to each his own. i would prefer a mini cooper (: but its damn ex. would have to work 40yrs n by then i would be an old granny driving a mini cooper. hahah. then we headed to wisma for lunch n shopped ard..
have been talking to various pple bout relationships lately n most of them seem kinda shock tt im not in one... hmm. what so shocking? i guess its bcos i dun wanna do anything stupid... n i cant seem to reciprocate some of their feelings. maybe i have high expectations. plus im such an indecisive runaway thing. how do u noe if u like someone anyway? u should
just know right? lol. well i guess it just hasnt come to me.... i guess. ahh heck. >.<
sigh i dun want sch n lessons to start... still have so many plans to meet so many long lost pple. there's just no time! this whole yrs like a race against time.
sokie- hahah. i read alr. ur rigidity so rigid!
jill- hi my fellow mature woman.
pradz- u'll be sorry u weaseled! hahah.
ching- (:
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dreamed.at .|. 2:21 AM