Wednesday, August 31, 2005
isnt it apt, that the song 'I'll Stand By You' is sung by The Pretenders?
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 7:01 AM
HAHAH. happy birthday mer! grow up please (:
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 7:00 AM
Friday, August 26, 2005
i feel so tired. its a weariness i cant explain. not just physical but mental... emotional. it feels as if i've been threading water for way too long out in an open sea wo anything to cling on to to stay afloat n each day the shore doesnt seem to be in sight and the waves throw me about like some sick tossed vessel. bang bang. again n again.
this is not a result of random bad days but more of a culmination of all kinds of...shit(?) i dunno, no word seems to fit. i guess u just cant run away fr some things. u can pretend its not there, it didnt happen.. u can pretend its not u really, like u've just watching someone elses soap opera unfold fr a distance.. distant n unattached.. but u cant deny the undercurrents that run so strong n ultimately they catch up w u. they catch up w u.
'what ifs' are a disturbing thing. its unhealthy to dwell in the past n things tt cant be change but it too is hard not to given circumstances. wat if i did this instead? wat if i had chosen that? wat if it didnt happen? wat if she didnt leave? why are we like that now? how how how? pointless qns tt no one can ans. have to burn that wat if bridge before it burns me. the only place to go is forward.. right?
i think i've judged my dad too harshly. i realised today. its prob not any easier for him than it is for us.. prob even harder. its just smtimes he's just a clueless twit, w tt brusque manner..plus all tt stuff he does.. it feels as tho hes just a basic needs provider. nothing more.. just escaping into his own private world n slamming the door shut behind. n i didnt do much to help either. caught up in our own problems..each dealing w it the best we can.. u would think tt aft 2yrs it would be better.. tt only the first few mths perhaps would hurt? apparently not. seems like now n onwards is the true test. mental, emotional, spiritual adaptation. today, he said stuff tt he's never said b4.. tt showed tt he was just as weary as i am.. tt he too secretly acknowledges how cracked up we are underneath the facade of our ohsohappy lifestyle. it scared me tt im not the only one not in control.. if hes not too then who is? n i wanted to say something back but i couldnt.
how can i pluck out an endless field of weeds? the shattering so (sur)real
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 8:15 AM
Friday, August 19, 2005
bah wat a lousy day. what w e last min decision not to go for colours cos sev pple bailed, e sudden cancellation of plans w chews cos we decided we were too sleepy to meet up, rude bus drivers n a brush w a pervy shuffleshuffle guy on e bus.
tt guy's seriously scary.. he took the same route as me. fr sch all the way to macritchie n then boarded 166 aft me.. n all the time he kept shooting sidelong glances at me grinning to himself. n on 166 he stood really close to me n i could feel his breath on me! had to hold my breath several times. couldnt wait to get off at my stop but the bus was crawling n jerking.. n w each jerk he jerked closer to me :/ then to my horror he suddenly grabbed the book i was holding n then quickly let go, claiming w a sheepish smile tt he thought i was gonna drop it. like wth? then when it was finally my stop he whispered 'byebye' w a creepy grin n i almost puked. mustered the most frosty smile i could but it came out more like a grimace n ran off the bus. phew.. seriously creepy. think he was either in his early 30s or late 20s. eww eww eww. :(
ooh i've a big bruise on my knee fr playing cricket! hahah. think it makes me look more man. crickets quite fun actually..think a bunch of excited girls brandishing bats, swinging wildly n screaming hysterically, jumping n running like hyper squirrels when one of us manages to bat. hahah. only thing is the bats rather heavy..
if theres one thing i cant stand its spiteful horridly self absored individuals. and its even worse when they try to cover it up by trying to act nice. like when someone sets off fireworks to distract the rest n meanwhile stabs u in the face n turns ard n says i love u! suddenly in a bright chirpy voice. its sick. n of late i feel like im meeting more n more snotty lil sycophants.. the worse thing is tt they've my frens too n i've just seen this side of them. gruesome awakening. or more like i've always kinda seen this side but pretended not to. its easier to deal w stuff when u pretend it doesnt exist. but no one can be all tt bad right.. perhaps they have their own sets of insecurities tt makes them behave this way.... perhaps. but tts no excuse. aaargh :( its silly to get all affected but i cant really help it. toleratetoleratetolerate.
what would life be like if we all shed our pride?
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 6:36 AM
Saturday, August 13, 2005
pebbles in her qi pao. hahha
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 4:20 AM
wat a lazy saturday. initially had plans to go study w theo n ching at changi but they were squashed cos my dad yelled GOT A HOUSE TO STUDY GO OUT SO FAR FOR WAT. n normally i would have argued but i've been gg out way too often recently so i decided to obey his orders. left him to rant n tuned out.. only catching bits of phrases, priorities!....discipline! blahblahblah. i noe all tt but sometimes one does have to take a breather right. n its not like i dont try to study.. its just really hard to keep awake. on wkdays esp.. by the time its 1030 i'll feel as tho 2 sumo wrestlers are resting on my eyelids n then my brain turns to moosh n i just drift away fr the conscious world. :( maaan i really gotta try harder to stay awake!
k this is a pointless entry. merely had to work off my restlessness. toodles.
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 4:05 AM
i so love my dad sometimes (:
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 4:03 AM
Saturday, August 06, 2005
no relevance but reminds me of char n i in our childhood days
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 8:43 AM
pretty amusing games (:
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 8:36 AM
lol. seniors farewell. sb me victoria n dora :]
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 8:34 AM
Monday, August 01, 2005
many a friendship have gone down as a result of wat seemed like scary hints of 'something more'. peals of laughter have turned into half-grimace smiles, comfortable silences into ive-simply-got nth-to-say-to-yous.. words held back, stories unshared. what would have been a comfortable perhaps growing friendship now gone stale, misty n empty..
perhaps its too late?
would u rather feel sad or empty? in retrospect, i think i rather feel something then sit there thinking bout the what-might-have-beens. ohh wellll..when u miss a boat, another one comes right?
not necessarily.
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 7:35 AM