Tuesday, April 26, 2005
over the moon :)
yay! we rock. hahah :)
GOLD GOLD GOLD!!! :D so proud of us. we were like the super underunderunderdogs there. the rest of the other schs had like 7kulintangs n we only had 2. n they had 5 drummers n we had 1! so our sound obviously wont be projected as much. plus they had all this wierd side instruments... triangles, cymbal-like stuff. so we were quite worried. were the 2nd last to perform n when we got there everyone had like shiny costumes on! w flowers in their hair...in traditional malay costumes. n we were in our RED blazers. stood out so much. hahah.
waited ard till it was almost our turn. had to stand outside the concert hall while the sch b4 us played. could see it all on the screen n they were like woah, good. n everyone was like seriously starting to panic. couldn breathe.. like a couple of squids flopping feebly outside. hahah. then the next thing we knew we were on stage n the person boomed ' now on stage we have item no blahblah. national junior college.' it was like -click- n then we did it. :) was pretty okay i felt. just tt some parts werent tog.. but we did the best we could at tt time n obviously the judges felt so too! muahahah. :]
n gosh the part when waiting for the results was a killer. esp since we were the 2nd last to perform so we had to listen to the rests results being read out first. we were all like super tense n some were even crying b4 tt. hahah. kahkah was gripping my hand so tight n sb too. so nerve wrecking man. n then... the man was like ' and now. Nantional Junior College. [pregant pause] GOLD!' and we just all sprang into the air n screamed n claw n hug n laugh hysterically. ahhhh. :) it feels so good. im so glad for all the practices we had. no matter how much i bitched abt blah n blah durg those pracs. hahah. yay. angklung rocks :)
n now i heard guzheng got gold too. hooray! :] best of luck to the other music grps! :)
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dreamed.at .|. 7:56 AM
Saturday, April 23, 2005
itchytwitchy
that day i saw this old man on the bus. he had sparse hair on his head n was smiling cross-eyed into space w his mouth wide open displaying his crooked teeth. my first impression was that hes a lil bit bongcus n i felt pity for him untill he caught me looking at him n waved at me. hahah. he got off the same stop as me n actually initiated a con w me! was telling me tt hes very happy today cos it is the first time he was taking bus on his own [hes usually accompanied by a maid or his daughter] n so he felt vgd bout himself. n all the time he had this huge silly grin on his face. hahah. then i nodded n grinned back n told him in my broken chinese tt hes a really remarkable man. :) so cute right... such simple things like taking bus can bring such joy to some.
and today! i saw this little blonde girl running down the streets of orchard hugging this oversized limp teddy bear giggling hysterically w her mum chasing after her. hahah. so sweet! to think i used to be like that. we've got a lot to learn fr old pple n little kids yeah.
this wks been pretty tiring. cca every day! till like 8.. n fri we stayed back till 9. hope it pays off. i still think we've not tt consistent. n the sound system at SCH sucks! :/ ahhh.. we need a gold yes we do. not we'll be letting our cool conductor n ourselves down! -crosses fingers-
maria- yeah its just 2days away!
theo- hahah. yeah he is! oh man we've like so outdated... lets meet!
hm- hahah. uve really coming down? yay! hui ming rocks :)
marc- i didnt dao u! i just didnt see u till a few secs later. hahah.
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dreamed.at .|. 2:51 AM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
blahblah
just bathed my dog today. she's so smooth n clean now :) hahah. sigh yet another sch wk begins again tml.... n next wks gonna be real hectic. cca everyday till 8! oh man.. but our syfs like real soon so i guess we do need it. so exciting. really hope we can get gold at least! not everything will seem like its come to nought. hmm. i think we stand a pretty gd chance...i think. hahah. plus our conductor has added in some 'dance' moves. hahahahah. so retarded. leftrightleftright WAVE UR ANGKLUNGS IN THE AIR! hahahah. the guys look especially gay. but we had ribbons tied so it was pretty cute :)
did abit of shopping on sat. char n i bought pearl bracelets! :] hahah. abit ah mah i noe. yeah n we attempted to study at coffee bean. :/ im not getting much studying done as always. i look at all the horrid diagrams n my brain goes all sluggish. but like james said tt day.. 'when life gets u down waddaya do? just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming.' hahah. oh well. but ive gotta make some major changes. since things dont seem to be working out. still in the process of deciding. just so bloody confused. sometimes i wish i didnt come to nj. would prob have done better in a more caring env? or better in arts? but its too late.. i shall just have to deal w whatever life throws at me now n make the most of it huh. :/ grant me strength please.
gtg do a lit essay now. toodles.
ching- thanks dear. :) i'll ring u up soon.
hui ming- yeah i will...soon. :)
sokie- hahah. i got u addicted!
jill- >.< go find ur yi ch! loveya. u bairy heaver. -snort.
thomas- yeah i like the song too. n jill created the hairy beaver!
hang- yeah i realised. my lovely bubble of 'this wonderful world' has been burst. btw my sis thinks u look like woodstock. ;]
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dreamed.at .|. 5:34 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
its everything
thinkhappythoughts thinkhappythoughts.
thinking happy thoughts n acting happy will automatically make one really happy. right?
yeah im a child of delusion alright.
its everything.. its just everything. the strain, the emptiness. the
big fake smiles n stupid lies.you know how when certain pple say things like 'are u ok? u can tell anything u noe.. anytime. im always here for u....' and u go like yeah ok thanks, but u noe they dont really mean it n they too know that they dont really mean it. its all a sham. like what she said at some lit tut last yr... we all exist as we are, alone.
There you go. you're always so right. It's all a big show. It's all about you
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dreamed.at .|. 6:23 AM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
will of steel.
never underestimate the power of words. esp kind words. this past wk ive realised tt there are actually alot of pple out there who do care. n love n support is often around tho sometimes it seems like theyve absent. hugs exchanged, words of encouragment, expressed confidences, words of advice... even fr pple whom i hardly noe or barely said more than 2 sentences to. hahah.
thanks guys :)
my family also grew my close knited n we all did our best to help n support each other. esp in the interests of my granddad. poor guy. he shuts himself up most of the time n its hard to really help. breaks my heart to see him limping down after supported my 2 of my aunts during the sending off. i want to do something. helplessness is unbearable.
yet often it seems like the pple u expect support fr most lets u down.. when i sought advice n rang my dad up..he was like 'ah yah drop la drop lah. up to u. u want u go drop. go go! u cant manage one lah.' boy im touched by his absolute unwavering faith in me. made me feel much better. yeah i got so pissed i hung up on him. n refused to have anything to do w him or go near him for some time. he obviously doesnt care vmuch so i just have to depend on myself n make my own decisions unguided. after all its my life n my consequences to live with. right. why shld he care? ive to start growing up.
oh well but hes actually okay at times.. guess hes just like all dads/guys are.? Insensitive. possibly w an emotional range of a teaspoon. hahah. we went to queensway today to buy my new shoes! pink adidas. :) n then headed to ikea where my sis went totally crazy n grabbed every thing tt looked remotely nice n dumped it in the trolley. sheesh tt girl needs some self restraint. hahah. if she had to manage her own finances she'll be bankrupt in a day. hooray. im proud to say i was a wee bit better. got some pretty cute stuff too :)
jills coming over tml to get my stats notes cos the clever heaver left hers in sch. hahah. man i dun wanna go back to sch...the thought of work n all is....-shudders- even my innards are quivering w repulse. n i have to really really really work my guts out. esp since i managed to flunk like 2 outta 4 of my subjs fantastically. :( wth is wrong w me?! feel like a stupid piece of shit. yeah so i have to work my guts out.. but the qn really is will it help? i thought i did study for those darn cts.. thought. i did didnt i? if tt wasnt studying wat is? but its just horrible.. to have to fling those 0s n fs...those failed attempts. fling them aside to join the rest of the other failed attempts. they say failure is a stepping stone to success. if tts the case then theres way too many stepping stones for me n no success stone in sight. sigh. i really appreciate others who have tried to help but they cant really. not tt much anw. it has to come fr me. ive just gotta work REALLY hard. n somehow someway at the end of the day, be able to say 'so there!' not just to my dad but to myself..tt inner self doubt demon roaring tt im stupid.
i need a will of steel.
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dreamed.at .|. 4:52 AM
Saturday, April 02, 2005
of life..... and death.
why does it always happen? it is said that one bad thing always follows another.. trials n tribulations always come together.. like unfortunate events happen in a series. n just when u think a wave has passed yet another and another and another one comes. there is some form of joy in betw of course but it seems like such a tiny thing to cling on to.
its just shocking.. i was sad at first but now i just dont noe wat to think or feel anymore.. i feel strangely stoic. its like b4 something terrible happens... u have the feeling tt it would happen. subconciously u feel/realise tt things are not gg as well as it seems.. n tt its just not right. but we carry on w our lives per normal. in a kind of self denial n complacently hoping yet again.
what makes death so upseting is its finality. sad bcos of all the things undone unsaid n unshowed. sad bcos pride n our busy schedules got in the way... n even tho we always say live ur life w no regrets.. do wat u wanna do..express urself... ur feelings. show ur vulnerability n allow pple to get close to u to help u n u in turn help them... its just hard.
i regret this i regret that. i regret the little acts of love i took for granted. the yrs of neglect.. not showing enough support enough love. i regret not being able to overcome my stupid self to do what i so badly needed to do n shld have done. n sadly i still cant do it even now.. i am so stupidly human yet so robot-like.
durg lit tut whitby asked when did u first know tt u were gg to die? i mean since young we've been taught tt we'll all eventually die rite. but i guess its when u actually see someone dying, actually exp losing someone, esp someone close to u then do we really realise. the finality. tt death would one day come for us.
now im worried for my granddad.. hes been pretty down of late. n now this.. often its the pple who are left behind tt suffers. imagine the horrible bleakness, the big gaping hole. the sleepless nights the nights spent curled up n shivering in one corner in denial w glassy eyes wide open tears streaming down images playing round n round. dwelling on the if-onlys n what-might-have-beens. imagine the empty space on the other side of the bed, rushing home to tell someone bout ur day n share ur life..only theres no one anymore. i really empathise w him. n its not like the rest of us arent upset over her/their death.. but i think it hits him the hardest. losing his fav daughter n his wife in just a short span of 2yrs. n old folks dont really have the 'luxury' of being busy n get burried in sch or work. oh please, help him to be strong. n i pray tt my grandma is some place safe n tt shes at peace. i still remember b4 they left to seek treatment in china, my grandma came to give me a pat on the back n told me to rest more n eat more. n always when i go there for dinner i would shovel my food down n rush back home..even tho i knew she liked us staying there longer liked us being there for just awhile more. im just too caught up w myself. n she would worry in tt cute way of hers over the littlest stuff. like whether my sis n i are eating enough sleeping enough. whether we shld get a haircut cos hair is covering our eyes etc. n she would buy chocs n stuff tt she think we like to eat for us. these past 2yrs have not been easy for her.. w her health deteriorating, having lapses of too low sugar intake. it really scared all of us too. as i went up the slope after hearing the news i was afraid to look. felt a sense of de ja vu tt made me sick to the stomach..almost expected to see tt great black tent hanging over the little house again. who noes wat little-death will life bring next... i just dunno wat to think feel expect anymore. pls let them be safe n happy tog.
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dreamed.at .|. 7:12 AM
Friday, April 01, 2005
hey goofy goober! havent been here for some time alr.. hehs. but i realise i dint forget ur username n password! anyhoos. it seems like such a long time since we last went swimming/exercising. hahaas. when can we do that again?! i think e earliest time is like next next week for me, u keep yourself free too kies! so we can become burnt pratas (for you) and a nicely baked pancake(for me). *smiles*
oh n my intitial intention was to type everything in one whole chunk, just like the way rigidity types. but its so hard cos im like inclined to press enter and then i end up typing everything in paragraphs instead. hehs.
anw. yeah we like so little time for interaction these days! boo-ness. and hopefully blogger wont delete this entry cos i dunwanna retype everything!
okaays. im gg out soon alr. takkare nic!
I'LL BE BACK to haunt u more.
love*, sokie!
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dreamed.at .|. 10:37 PM
OH MY GOSH. bloody blogger just deleted my whole entry! n it was super long too. i am so pissed. argh.
anw to cut it short. wat i wanted to say was:
SIMPLE PLAN ROCKED! :] esp the cute pierre! the concert was so cool n the atmosphere n energy there was really great. the band was so funny n funky too! aahh. had so much more to say than this but im just too tired n fed up w blogger now. yeah so it was great fun despite the horrid waiting n queue part where fat angmoh bitches n brats shoved pushed lied n used all unscrupulous means to try n get to the front of the stage. i SO love rock concerts :) yay! n simple plan was also making a dvd when they were doing our concert so their dvd will feature spore! im so gonna get it :) yeah i'll update another time lah. irritating blogger go n die.
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dreamed.at .|. 8:02 AM