Destiny spinning a parachute flower to seed

Friday, November 12, 2004
so looooong!

was a real busy day today... dad was on leave! :] so we all had prata breakfast together n he was giving me this talk abt job prospects n blah blah blah. haix. im sooo confused. i wanna do so many things next time but he keeps telling me $$$ is an impt factor n all the jobs i want dont pay tt well. guess im not tt ambitious... i just want to get happiness n love out of life.. okok out of point.
went to sch to pass sokie the locker key n waited for her till i acquired mosquito bites aplenty. >.< den went for lunch w aunt ching n then had to go see the doc AGAIN for my feet. and it wont be the last time.... haix. there is something seriously wrong w my feet. it hurts quite bad sometimes till i cant stand properly :( apparently its an internal prob n the doc says my left kidney n my stomach is no good so ive gotta stop eating salty stuff n cold/gassy drinks. nooooo. :( i didnt even realised i ate lotsa salty stuff. so worrying. i hope i can take trekking the rough terrain in thailand.. why why must my feet be like this b4 the trip?!
so anyway, im leaving tml morn. really hope it'll be a fun, satisfying n enriching trip. like REALLY. n i hope none of us will fall sick n my leg will not give me pain. ahhh. just finished packing just now... the bag is HUGE. im using this bag my dad bought fr china last yr.. n its like cheapo. 10 bucks only... hope it wont give way halfway. sharm said can go mustafa get 1.. but its 70 bucks n my dad dun wanna waste money... oh well. shall make do w it. n its like bursting! stretched taught. n the whole width of it is like as wide as my body frame. okay almost.. feel as tho i might topple backwards. hahah. n i carried it for like 5 mins n my back feels abit achy! haha. oh man.. n i still have another bag! but its smaller. 2 haversacks... will look like an ah soh tml man. hahah. hope i dont injure my back. :X
okay, so i wont be seeing u guys for like 2 wks n 2 days.. haha. n when i come back, they would have already moved into our new house! wheepee. but too bad im missing moving day. n my cousins wedding! ahh so sad. this trip had better be worth it! yeahh, we've all hoping so... hopehopehope.
so im off.. takecare u all! :]

.|. dreamed.at .|. 7:21 AM

Thursday, November 11, 2004

went out w ching ty n theo today. fun! was real great seeing them after so long.. but it gets boring walking ard orchard so often. hmm n it was too short. went to seoul garden, took neos n window shopped ard. but i had to leave earlier for the party at my aunts. party was fun too. we all gathered n played a rowdy game of pictionary. hahah. i really think guys cant draw. na n i cldnt figure out what they were drawing like.... all the time? n it wasnt cos we were lousy ok. they just cldnt draw! i mean, how can a drawing of a duck actually represent a hand?! haha. yayy. family gatherings are fun.
oh n yest, went out to buy yep stuff w char n she SPLURGED on this 88 bucks perfume!! u noe, the touch of pink perfume? haha. it was an impulse thing. char, na n i just wanted to get free sample, being cheapskate, n the woman suddenly produced this whole range of free products [body lotion, moisturiser, a really nice pinkwhite tote bag! n etcetc] n made it seemed like a really good deal. so char just bought it on the spot. i was so shocked. just awhile ago she was complaining she was broke?! n then being hungry [n cheapskate] we wanted to go crystaljade for 1.50 plain porridge. its damn nice ok! but when we went in it was like practically empty n the ratio of waiters to us was like, 2 to 1. so there were like 6 waiters all standing ard staring at us at our service waiting for us to order. n then somehow we felt damn stupid. i mean, who on earth walks into cj n orders 2 bowls of plain porridge n eats it w just chilli?! haha. so none of us wanted to order n they were STARING at us. so we just sat there n giggled. haha. yeah so bimbo rite. so then char was like saying we shld order something else n we settled on yang chow fried rice which costs like 8+ n heres the best part. after we ordered, we realised we've got no money!! i had like 7bucks only. i was planning on just eating plain porridge! n char n na somehow expected me to have the money since they just spent on that horridly overpriced perfume. yeah, as always im expected to be their walking atm machine. so we were like panicking untill i decided to like go home n take cash? haha. but char went home in the end. cos her house was like 15 min walk away. so na n i ate super s l o w l y to wait for her. >.< talk abt impulse man. n those crysjade pple! kept crowding ard till we felt so oppressed! they might as well have been ornaments on our table. haha.

ok, have a long day ahead tml. leaving for thai real soon.
sigh n i hope meera can come! :( n pj had better get well soon!

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confirment of your aloneness to learn tt anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.-David Whyte, From "Sweet Darkness"

.|. dreamed.at .|. 9:15 AM

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

sokieee :)

hey i jus finished playing the shark game.
hahaas.. kept dying n i kept forgetting i can use the enter key.. i only used it once n tt was an accident cos i was too used to pressing enter after typing smthg.. hahaas.. n so tts how i died.
yay! im a salvage diver n i died at level 20. ure at a higher level than mee!
oops* n im srry i made u die. hais. not entirely my fault tt u forgot to press pause then the shark ate u wad. hmmphs.

yay! cya later at j8. hais. i hate tt place.

sokieeee, the salvage diver. :)

.|. dreamed.at .|. 10:05 PM

Monday, November 08, 2004

your naughty knave fiend speaks.. friend i mean. (:

Hey Nic baby, couldn't leave a tag on your board so I'm leaving a note here for you. Upon reading your last entry, and with regards to your last sentence, I just want to say that I'm seeing that in you (: and I want to thank you for the times you were always strong when I needed someone to be. death may be amoral, but it can never steal love away. Cos love's always been there for each one of us, and I know you know it. -hugs- I miss you a lot, and though I most probably can't see you until my re-exams are over (2 weeks' time), my thoughts are still with you and that sweet smile on your cherubic face. <3.

xoxo, pris

.|. dreamed.at .|. 9:24 PM

today.

its funny how life works. one moment u've happy n u feel like u've the luckiest girl in the world n the next u'll be feeling way down there below. it feels as tho im a leaf in the wind. fragile amidst all the strong natural elements out there. actually im not more than a speck in the sky or a grain in the earth. wat does it matter- when we can all be snuffed out. just like tt?

i believe tt death is amoral. or maybe tt death is biased.its like this cloaked figure descending down to wrench one from the lights of this earth. n it always seems as tho it takes the best pple away fr this place. whyy her? why them? why does it happen? how bout those left behind?

all this sparked b4 i left home to accompany my cousin to undress the wound from her split thumb. it all echos what happened a yr before.
the stoicness of her expression when i talked to her unerved me. i told her i was gg out n she just stared at me w a smile on her face. she was wheeled into my cramped room while they moved in the hospital bed. her face ashen she told me to 'not worry n carry on studying'
i left anyway, having a nagging feeling but brushing it aside. i carried on w my work. the 0s were here. nothing could happen, she was always there wasnt she?
receiving a call n coming home to find red lights outside the house. walking home and seeing the huge black tent in front of the house.
moving in to see how she was doing. inching in towards the shinning brown box half in the living room.
slurred.glucose water being spat out when fed. sitting on the bed n dapping her lips with glucose water.
disorientation and denial. coaxing her swollen feet into meditative position. fighting till the very end.

crouched at the bottom of the bed in the darkened room. releasing birds as offerings of merit. walking into the forest for refuge when were told her veins were closed. realising but not realising. woken up to be told 'go. vomitting blood. ruptured.' shaking gather wats left of inner strength. the whir of the oxygen tank. the prayer music echoing. the hushed voices n trembling hands. n above all the silence. i sat on this edge n she the other. held her frigid cold hands. watched the pulse at the neck. and i swear tt i knew before the rest. kissed her. she is free from the burdens of a body.

i never knew it would happen n i never really accepted it. i guess thats why i dont talk about a lot of things. its just like something too sacred, too abstract to share w pple who have never gone thru it b4. n i guess its also cos it hurts n i deal w things cementified, n talking would put a crack in tt strong surface. its like, why delve deeper when all is right and sundry above? i dunno. what happened today brought back memories. n i believe she is ok now because she was here. n im glad. all i know is tt im a stronger person now n i no longer care what pple think of me as much as i used to. nothing can get to me tt easily cos ive experienced what is what i thought the worst possible tt could ever happen already. whatever happens, happens for a reason n we should trust it that. i missed her knowing n i dun want tt to happen again. but it seemed as tho it had happened again today. i have lots to learn n i will learn it somehow.

i realise not many will understand wat im saying. its ok, its good in a way. i nvr expect anything fr anyone n i nvr expect anything fr this either.

Things might get me down, but i will not let it break me. i'll live by her example.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 2:04 AM

Sunday, November 07, 2004

man im tired... but its a good kinda tired. not the studying kinda tired. :) when to my club with sokie today! was fun man. we played table tennis n i trained her! now shes a pro. ;) haha. then we went to swim! till 1... so cool. n we got a tan too :] were lying in the sun frying like pancakes untill we felt our back beginning to burn. n sokie being a stupid burnt prata, didnt turn ard so i had to flip her over. haha. yayy we look darker now. n then we went to have a big lunch b4 playing all sorts of fun violent arcarde games. heheh. :]

after a whole day at the club. my dad fetched her to khatib mrt n we went out for dinner. n then, my dad insisted on bringing me to see this chi acupuncturist person cos he was gonna see him too n he wanted me to get check the unexplained pain in my leg tt has been happening on n off. n it turns out ive got blocked chi. :0 it was blocked at the base of my foot where the pain was n it travelled up in this chi path till my knee. n tt man. he rubbed n rubbed n rubbed n rubbed n pressed n pressed n pressed n pressed tt spot on my foot and he did tt to the chi pathway which got blocked at my knee again. n ohh. it was just damn pain la. felt as though a thousand bruises had been combined into 1 n he was using a hammer to knock it relentlessly n unmercifully. ;( TERRIBLE. i actually started tearing abit involuntary. boo. n my dad was so shocked. hahah. but tt chi guy said it was normal n even the musclemen cant take it unless their chi gong is same stnd as his. haha. wat a way to end my day... n he says i have to go back on tue again. cos apparently e pain in my foot has got some connection w this internal organ called pi jin. watever tt is. n hes gonna do a full body check up. ahhhh. this chi doctors are damn powerful man. so scaryy. if he could do tt w my foot i dunno what else he will find tt is wrong w me.....

n so im ADVISED to rest my feet n cleanse my body or system or whatever esp since im gg away for YEP for like 3 wks.. n which means i CANT go to the class chalet. accdg to my dad. too much exertion? i dont think so... :\ but i guess i better listen. if i dun wanna suffer too badly on tue.. heheh.

p.s- if anyone has tt song, Ben sung by leandra in SI n originally by michael jackson i think. send to me k.. i like it! :D

.|. dreamed.at .|. 7:23 AM

yeah~

nic!!! had a real great time with u today.
the suntanning, the ping pong game, the arcade games, having lunch, eating ice cream floats, ogling at guys.. hahaas... it was funnnnnnn!!! thnx so muchhhh i really enjoyed myself :)
n thankewwwwww for ur snoopy too! i wont ill treat it the way u ill treated n abused the piggie i gave u.
hahaas.. anw! haf fun packing ur bag. still got abt a week be4 u go yep! we mus spend MORE quality time together. =)
luvvvvvv, sokie! :))

.|. dreamed.at .|. 6:23 AM

Friday, November 05, 2004

whee:]

yayy. cl is OHVARR! :D ok but it was quite hard... but expected la. it was just as hard as our nj papers n i got a big fat ZERO for the fill in the blanks w words thingy again. as expected. haha. oh well... i just hope i wont have to take chinese ever again! if not i'll just die.......................haha.

ok. went out w francine n maria after cl. joined them late cos i had yep meeting. we went cine n did window shopping. haha. was quite fun actually.. and then went home to see my aunts n play with my baby cousins! bryan was soooo cute. n naughty.. kept running ard n showing me stuff. haha. n baby black was like this bundle of cute sqooshy thing. heheh. looks like uncle ronnie. oh ohh n for spore idol. leandra got out! so saddd. i supported her since the audition days ok! i think she has wat it takes... just tt she lost herself along the way.. n yeah, like ken said.. she's not tt ready yet. but im sure she'll make it next time! n i like the song she sang... the Ben song. the song abt a rat. it was so sweet. i think it was the first song she sang when she performed as one of the top 12. n it was her farewell song too. how appropriate a closure for her. i wanna download tt song!
went for a midnight movie yest too. with char, na, mer, clari n daryl. was cool man. theathre practically empty n we were like making SO much noise. laughing like crazy n imitating the characters on the show. :) we watched princess diaries btw. n it was good. not a brainless show as some might think.. it was kinda sweet actually. :)
n now today its gonna be another busy dayy. went to my new house to pick out paint for my room. its gonna pink n blue! :) n then went for prata breakfast w mer.. now gonna watch mama mia! n gonna get my yep stuff. whew. lotsa stuff to do!

.|. dreamed.at .|. 8:33 PM

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

argh

i dunno wats wrong w me.. been so fustrated n irritable of late. n tts an understatement. im just sick of everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it never ends does it. one fat grotesque clanking vicious cycle of never ending cycles.
i just wants to clear out n just go somewhere else. some place where im away from everything. everything tt is wrong with me now. everything tt is wrong abt everything. n just lie there soaking in the tranquility tt is anything but me. i need to step out of my tiresome shoes now n just take a step back n space out. get away get away get away.
collapse in deep peaceful dreamless slumber.
and then awake when im happy being me again.
tt way, i wont hurt myself n others n everything ard me.

sounds perfect doesnt it.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 6:40 AM

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

pynkkish.

hi nic! hahahaas i broke into ur account! im such an expert at such things :P
yay. so happy op's finally over... jumps arnd in joy* hahaaas. okays i noe u still got chinese. bud dun worry it will b over soon kies! friday mahs. jus 3 more days.. n den u will haf freedom...! =)
hahaas.. ehs tmr still got lit lahs. everyday got lit. v tiring lohs..
n u actually killed e pig tt i gave u lahs! BOO. haiya i feel so sad for the pig lohs such a short life. hopefully u will revive it soon. hahaas. so u will be both the destroyer n the revivor! lols.
okay. i shall go off now. after all, dis is my first time breaking in mahs.. mus leave a gd impression.. so shall jus write e nice nice stuff.. lols.
YAYYYYYYY. OP'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
signing off!
pynkkish. =)

.|. dreamed.at .|. 6:49 AM

Monday, November 01, 2004

To the one with the cherubic smile

Hi Nic! Pris here! muah. I'm hacking your account to say that I love ya! <3.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 3:40 AM

ohh pee!

haha. yay. our op is over at last.. can finally say ta ta to pw forever!! :)
we (jenn,pj,cyn,pradz,n me) had our op today at 12. IT WAS NERVE WRECKING i tell u. the whole morning we were all pretty tense.. doing last min gpf stuff.. n prac our presentations one last time n our haphazardly last minute thrown in skit. haha. felt like we were in a pressure cooker. n then jenn suddenly realised, after our 1st audiencing, tt she left the op forms at home! :0 yeahh, so she went home to take it.. n poor pj was so nervous tt she misplaced her cue cards last min n we were all panicking trying to look for it. ahh.... i noe, we were all trying to relax but.. haha. but we made it thru ok guys! :) the presentation itself was ok... no major problems. kept trying to make contact but mostly everyone was stoning n i always ended up looking at mr leong cos the other examiner was busy scribbling the whole time. haha. but the QnA was quite....a horrid experience for me. cos guess who's 1 of the examiners, mr leong! yeah, alvin leong mr leong. n i knew it... i just KNEW he would ask me the qn.. cos im his gp student n he noes me. haha. b4 tt he also asked wanying, another girl fr my gp class a qn too. n he used such chim vocab tt we didnt know wat the hell he was asking. yeah so anw, he asked me THE QN. n i answered it...oh i thought i did. but apparently he didn think so n he kept asking and asking n asking and asking. untill he was satisfied. >.<
but it was okayy i guess. not toooo bad. guess he was trying to (help?) me by asking so many qns to make sure i ans the qn fully? cos he's supposedly the kind tt would want to help his students but his behaviour n the outcome always falls short of his intentions... haha. i dunno. we (our gp classmates) could never make sense of him. he was nice sometimes, yet he was not. hmph. n pple said women were complex. haha. maybe he was tryg to help during the op, or maybe he was makg things hard for me... i dunno. but i did my best n threw him tt 'self assured' look. so he wont noe tt i was tt flustered by his qns. haha.
oh well. its OVER. yayy! our pw grp must go out celebrate sometime k. hahahah. now i just have CHINESE left. yeahh. just chinese. hooray. detect the sacarsm.? but after fri, all will be over n i'll be done w exams for the yr! n then next wk will be our YEP trip. so exciting! :) which reminds me i have to go get my malaria jab. haha.

thanks pris for ur note! heheh. glad u manage to change wat u wanted to change. :)

.|. dreamed.at .|. 3:33 AM