Destiny spinning a parachute flower to seed

Saturday, May 28, 2005

my throat is parched. i cant eat anything nice n my voice has been reduced to a croak. :( argh.

on a lighter note, i went shopping today!!! :) left cca early to go for dental appt n after tt joined my family to shop. yeah even mer went too despite having to limp ard. the great spore sale is on!! n got some real gd deals :] ah, now my feet hurt too.. but it was worth it.

after the rest left char n na came n joined me to cont shopping.. n we went to eat lunch at cj. had to wait reallly long n na was complaining of hunger pangs n feeling dizzy throughout the wait.. and then suddenly she passed out. oh my gosh it was shit scary. b4 tt we were both slouching against the railing waiting when she suddenly asked char for water cos she felt like vomitting.. then she started drinking n drinking till the bottle flew outta her hand n rolled over to this guys feet. was shocked cos i thought she threw the bottle down cos shes sick of waiting.. but the next thing we knew she was swaying n she fell to the ground. then commotion ensued. gosh it really scared the hell out of us! she was like all pale..slumped there.. white n cold, for a min i thought she died. but we remained relatively cool n propped her up first n some kind old women came n applied medicated oil on her. they were e only ones who stepped forward..the rest all ran away. it took her like a min or 2 to regain consciousness. only then did i realise my heart was pounding n my hands shaking. wheww.. thank gdness shes alright. tt crazy girl lah. didnt eat her breakfast.. i bought some food n force fed her. threatened to strangle her if she ever passed out on us again too. hahah.
ouch my throat hurts bad. been eating too much rubbish again :/ oh no n theres class bbq tml at jenns! oh boy tts timely.

hellooo n thanks to all who tagged! :)

.|. dreamed.at .|. 6:34 AM

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

of a lotus

"Nothing whatsoever should be clung on to as I or mine" - the Buddha.

celebrated vesak day on sun. late sat night too actually. it was soo cool. i love the great buddha compassion hall.. the place where i spent 2wks plus on a retreat. makes me feel all like i wanna be good n never be bad again. hahah. okay save the scathing remarks please. :)

since sec sch i wanted to have a proper religion..cos i felt tt smths missing in my life. and all my frens were like christians n catholics. quite pious too n they seem to have a lot of fun in church so i wanted to go try it out. but my parents were buddhist.. my mum especially devout.. and she told me that its ok if i wanted to try other religions out but i shld give buddhism a try first too. so i did. she signed me, sis n cousins up for phor khark see sunday sch. hahah. (name quite funny but wats in a name?) and i didnt really like it. think its mostly cos of my peers.. spoke lots of chinese n a mixture of dunno wat dialects. laughed at things which i didnt find funny.. we were just on different wave length lahh. only a few of us who could appreciate each other stuck tog. but i stuck w it cos i was interested in the teachings.. n the teachers were good n nice. i could appreciate n relate to the buddhas teachings but still smth didnt quite click. u can read abt stuff in textbks but still it doesnt feel real to u right?
im not sure when the turning pt came.. perhaps its fr through life experience or when u see it with ur own eyes. its often the times when life starts to get not so bright n sunny n when the rain starts coming in when u look to religion for an explanation of some sort. when i saw how she dealt w all those moments of acute pain. felt her strong unwavering faith, the strength and courage in which she faced up to it all. the calm acceptance amidst all that terrifying turmoil. she took it so sliently, so strongly, so uncomplaining tt we never really knew how much she suffered. facing her pains, just it and her in the darkened room. its tt determination, acceptance n faith tt left the most impression on me... and through all this, its been clear that the buddhas teachings have guided her. i want to have that wisdom too.. and form tt connection tt was n is so dear to her. still rem when gd intentioned pple tried to convert her last min, she mustered a resounding no.
she told me once.. 'i was born a buddhist and i will die one.'
so these days when my frens talk bout church n stuff, i dont feel tt urge to try it out anymore. i dont feel the need to conform, to experience wat it is all abt.. tho i still find other religions interesting. and although hardly any young pple like me understand what buddhism is.. (or even want to try and understand) and though it is not that accessible and has a rather superstitious and old-ah-mah image.. n i know of lotsa pple whose parents are buddhist but claim theyve free-thinkers. i know buddhism for what it is and am not afraid of declaring anymore tt im a buddhist :) though i still have lots to learn. i have no intention of persuading anyone to any religion...you have to try it out for urself.
kalama sutta- never believe anything simply because you are told it is so.

wow its a long entry. hahah. good on u if u got this far. heheh:] had a great long wkend anw... wat w vesak day, gg out... n jill coming over! [u perv!] :) just wanna reply to tags.

jill- hahah. u nose biter! you've THE hot babe man. :D
mr zuel- hey! :) yeah i guess so... thanks for tagging!
sharm-hahah. yay i like my new template too! n uve not unpoetic... please.
shubei!- hahah. i know... still cant fully get over it. its gonna be ur turn soon. u've it! :)
sokie- yum yum porridge :]

.|. dreamed.at .|. 3:05 AM

Saturday, May 21, 2005

im SO, freeakin pissssssed. -puts on whitechick drawl-
tried changing my template to this real cool pretty one n it just wouldnt work! posts wont appear. BAH. wasted my time. :( i need help!! hinthint.

anw while im here might as well blog.
oh man! angklung got took out of the syf opening ceremony. n there i was thinking we would get a chance to perform at e esplanade. : wth.. n they gave a shit reason. saying nj is over represented n the other schs might complain n say its unfair. WHAT? tts so unfair to us. we can help it if we've damn gd right. heheh. n malay n indian dance, gold w honours, are being chucked to dance at sentosa.. for some passing by tourists. assuming anyone passes by. how can they do tt?? if gold w honours does not give a spot at the opening ceremony then what does? its like we all worked so hard n they just dissmiss it all like that. hrmmph. :( oh well. at least we still have tt collaboration w malay dance to perform at the malay culture centre. hopefully vcheng will be able to stir up some stuff n put all of us back into the syf opening ceremony.
went to support the hockey girls at their semis match on wed too. against vj... was like WOW. first time i watched a hockey match live. hahah. vj was cheering so loud n we were suprisingly cheering almost as loud too :] quite a no of pple turned up to support. yay. n xt n i managed to get some of our classmates yi hui prad hui ming n li hang to go down to support jill n sharm. :) but they lost. they fought hard tho n tts wat matters :] got lotsa other stuff to say but cant rem it now. oh well.. cousins just invited us to go over to play tennis anw. yay! toodles.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 3:46 AM

Friday, May 20, 2005

fragments of a medmorley

for all those things unsaid n undone on my part..

whirls n swirls of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
chauffered n prospered moulting frogs
propped on lollipops n circus tops

dancing bears, painted wings
things i always remember
endless song, someone sings-
hush lil baby dont u cry
everythings gonna be alright.

a brilliant bright bubble
up up and away
lights, shades prance through
a gay blue beyond

someone holds me safe and warm
boggi woogas lurch through a netted door
hands outstretched love leaking through the storm-
this have past. n i still feel your lovingly packed package from afar

and i want to thank you for giving me the best days of my life

.|. dreamed.at .|. 7:44 AM

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance, Make a change, and break away.

Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away And break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance, Make a change, and break away.

Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Make a wish, take a chance, Make a change, and break away.

Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away

.|. dreamed.at .|. 7:40 AM

Friday, May 13, 2005

im getting sick of my few-wks-old template. haha. shall change it soon when i have the time. past wk has been okay. half day on mon. wow was it just this wk? seems like a month ago. then had college day rehearsals till late on wed n thur. YAWN. never fully recovered my lost sleep. but it was fun watching the performances. dance grps especially. n chinese dance was so cool man! we all couldnt get enuff of it. hahah. well, but pple said angklung was cool too :] so college day tml.. hope everything goes alright not whitby will flip. hahah. plus we had so many rehearsals n stuff. ohh! n we got into syf opening!! yayy! :] its like so cool... such an honour. n we've gonna have a chance to perform at the esplanade! -gasp- so exciting. i can actually say i performed at the esplanaded after tt. :))) yay. the only prob is its in july. which means we'll have intensive pracs till then. n my studies arent exactly the best >.< sighh. some pple [those smart ones] are contemplating dropping out. :/ oh mannn. wat shld i do wat shld i do??? better not tell my dad or he'll get real agitated. i shall decide on my own.
went out w jill today after sch even tho i was supposed to be a gd virginia girl. hahah. went to j8 to catch tt show! er, amrityville horror rite. yeah it was sooooooo freaky okay. screamed like hell n jill dugged her nails n yanked my poor arm the whole way. hahah. wat made it worse is tt its based on a true story. ahhhh. gosh its soooo scary. well after tt we hanged ard looking at stuff n stealing free sample food fr mrs fields n the bak kuah store. hahaha. yum. :] was fun right spongebob! :) aye aye captain.
oh well, gg j8 again tml to meet sb for lunch b4 college day! wat a long day ahead. toodles.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 7:52 AM

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

letting go

is it really necessary to be the best. must success or intelligence/worthiness be based on ones achievements? why do we have to measure ourselves this way? maybe its bcos we are judged this way.. but then again pple judge this way maybe bcos they've judged like tt too. what a sick relentless ominous clanking cycle. but thats life..sadly :/

today my dad was ranting n yelling at us the whole way in the car to sch. wanted to just get out of the car but we were on the highway. he was so mad.. n truthfully i do get his point but tts no reason to raise his voice early in the morn. was gg on and on abt how my sis n i have no ambition, no will to strive.. how we must always at all times strive to be the best, to be the top. to fight kick backstab bite till we get what we want. be focus, do things only if their useful, wat u want is of secondary. fit in w the times! move w the times! be the best! play smart! dont be a honey-bee worker! an ordinary low salary worker!

i noe wat hes driving at n it does make sense tt whatever we do we must give it our all n whatever we want we must strive for it but i loathe the tone in which he says all this. he scorns the ordinary, the honey-bee workers, the pple lower down the line.. do u wanna be like them? work so hard n earn so little? take all the shit fr the boss n cant do anything abt it? and he takes all my aspirations n smash them to nothingness. 'are u sure u wanna do tt? dont be stupid. only earn so little.' yadayada. and he has all these "perfect" dreams for us.. that i can never, never measure up to. n ive no desire too either. bcos tts not what i want! tts not where i wanna see myself. i wanna live for myself! wats life abt if u do smth u hate? so we'll have these loud arguments in the car [1of e rare times i act have the chance to talk to him] and often, always it'll end w him hinting not so subtly at my deficiencies, my many lackings n therefore my unworthiness. i noe enough not to let it damage me too much but oh if only he'll learn tt i am trying to do everything the best i can n im not his puppet!

i love my dad n i want him to be proud of me, really i do. but just cant measure up to his stupid ideals n wat he wants for me its just not me. im not gonna give in n i'll do wat i think its best for me whether he likes it or not.. n if i make some wrong move n screw up all over the place then so be it. at least i took a leap n i'll deal w it.

wish she were here to neutralise this destructive acidity.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 5:59 AM

Monday, May 02, 2005

hey picky! haha. i hacked into your blog (kidding)

anw, i can't fix the html straight away but i'll think abt it. glad u like the pink.

bye! seeya in school! tho i feel crappy >.<

take care sista!

da pariah. :(

.|. dreamed.at .|. 6:18 AM

yay i got new template :) isnt it cute?? the lil bunny thingy esp. hahah. didnt wanna change it but my old template went crazy so i had no choice.
hmm. had a nice long wkend.. met up w my sec2 cedar pals on sat! sally n sin yan! was real nice to see them. havent met up in like a yr! ate at cj n then did abit of shopping. hahah. so cool to catch up w old pals. its like u dont have to explain much, we all just have that mutual understanding tho we dont talk tt often nowadays. real glad we still keep in touch. :) n we've made a date to go to my house durg june. :]
oh n maria [computerfingers] teo just helped me fix my tagboard!! yay! :) maria pariah rocks! :) hahahah.
okay ive got nth much to blog abt. just blogging for the sake of. meeting pris for tea-dinner tml. :) man i really miss my cedar pals............

who needs u anw. stupid ass. go eat ur own squishy shit.

.|. dreamed.at .|. 6:05 AM