rock-candy(ed)

2007-07-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

(:

2007-07-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

oh i can blog! yay! blogger was down for a really long time... im so glad its back. so i may blog from time to time again.

one word to describe how my holiday's been: eventful.

always, all ways

2007-05-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

maad at the red dot museum was good fun! (: despite the sweltering heat and my stuffy nose. Bought lots of interesting stuff.. and wanted to buy more but sy and sal wisely restrained me. hahah. there was this cute squishy plush toy with button eyes and a crooked smile! but it was 30 bucks.. way above my reservation price.
it was just bursting full of creative interesting items. little knick knacks.. pretty jewellery and little dogs running ard. quite a sight to behold. i even found the cute art aunty tt came down to ntu once. heh.
i love holidays.

2007-05-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

i am hungry for truth.

cold soft warm hard blazing truth; one that permeates deep and strong

an absence of it feels..empty and unsettling. i would distrust anything that doesnt/cant seem real to me. its all or nothing. of course certain gambles have to be taken but if it looks set to be a lie, then it has to go.. painful or not.
i guess u can say im unforgiving, difficult, or an 'extremist'.
maybe. but tts how i've learnt to deal with things, and it has helped me be strong.

when i was a young girl, kept awake by certain problems that seemed huge, i would wrap myself up w the blanket like a cocoon and clutching my bolster, i would stare at the spinning fan until i fell asleep.
if the chasm was too bid for the hypnotic spinning fan, i would tiptoe to my parents' room and slip in between them. sandwiched betw their two rigid backs, i would feel safe. no problem was too big to be solved by the warmth from two solid backs. two walls of certainty, two walls tt were real, that were true.. no matter how
crazy the rest of the world seemed.

i dont know when i stopped seeking refuge between their sleeping backs, but i know that time is long gone. we cant seek refuge anywhere else but in ourselves.
things evolve, people change. and thats why i want truth.. something that is real, that is constant. something i can count on.
sure, there are people, friends here and there that we can count on, but only for a while. things evolve, people change.
how are we to find truth in a world where things are always changing. one moment something you might truly believe in, something that you feel is part of your reason for being, could change and what seemed like was real, was true..turns out to be otherwise. a lie, only masked by temporal truth.

that doesnt stop me, and i believe quite a number of others too, from seeking truth.. in the hope that maybe this 'truth' would be true. maybe there is the chance that there is something, someone you can count on to be real.. to say it like they mean it. to show it like they mean it. to be what they say they are. maybe.

after all, no matter how we try to convince ourselves, the truth that we can only count on ourselves alone is truly a tough pill to swallow.

2007-05-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

Holidays are into their first week!
which means...

sitting at siglap park connector on a mon morning singing along to my ipod, waiting for the class beng to pick us for the class outing at the beach!
total casualties: 3
but other than that it was pretty good fun. we cycled/bladed for FOUR HOURS. oh my poor burnt shoulders and sore butt.

Look! i tower over the rest :D

we climbed up that thing

Qx, Tania and i

terence, joey and i. cycling trio (:

delicious dinner

pity we're all gonna split next year. its been fun mixing w these bunch of ppl.. although i did speak quite some chinese whenever im w them. (gasp) heh.
Doing projects and presentations w them, having lunch and helping each other out.. yep, its been a pretty ok first year at uni. (:

besides tt, i've been kept busy with

watching movies n shopping w maria n her brother. heh.

aaaand, joey tania and i went to queue for the raffles city doughnuts! hahah. crazy. we waited for three hrs. tts cos we arrived 2 and a half hrs before the shop was due to open. luckily we were 2nd in line tho, so we got them pretty fast. i think the poor ppl at the back waited for SIX hrs. heh. so we each bought 24 doughnuts, packed them up and delivered to our friends (: of course not before we ate one ourselves tho. the double chocolate was reallyyy gd (: worth e wait if u have absolutely nothing in the world to do.. like us! hahah. oh, the holidays are great.

oh and we payed a visit to the national museum too. lugging our doughnut boxes. photograpy exhibition by leslie kee and another one, under the cresent moon. was pretty good. the simulated a war scene not unlike samuel beckett's stuff, was pretty disturbing n we were afraid to go in at first. heh.

so now im sitting here in hall, staring at my table. the place is in a mess and im suppose to clear everything up tonight! including move back the beds to the original position. oh man. time flies.. i still remember moving in and decorating my notice board happily. putting up pictures and cards. how quickly 8 months go by. and now its deconstruction time. Pris's side of the room alr looks so bare and empty its strange. Things are gg to be different, and i'll certainly miss seeing pris in our room every week. our late night conversations, supper, sharing of clothes, and baboon (Porky J) imitations. sigh. things will be different alright.

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

2007-05-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

i've just been released from the jaws of EXAMS. The past few weeks have been Hell. Rushing to and fro school w my bulging bag in betw papers to study. Days shrinking, compartmentalised into hours, minutes, seconds.. the lines betw night and day blurring. i remember sitting in the same spot while outside, light turned to dark.. frantic friends calling me up to ask qns and discuss paper ans.. and dreaming bout adhocracies, cash cows and expected values of decision trees. yep the past few wks succcccked.

my eyebags are elephantine and we were all wooozy from accumulated sleep debt and what not. i had been nursing a cold and other ailments since before the start of the exams, and it all reared its monstrous head unfortunately midway thru my last paper. So the exams culminated w me puking in the exam hall toilet wihle that dreadful stats paper was ongoing. what the hell.

thank goodness its all over! and thankfully i've had an array of supporters all this while.. who remembered my exam dates and msged well whishes, who encouraged me with sweet notes, quotes, msgs and chocolate.. and who i can call up and whine/ complain/ vent my frustrations to, and my maid brandishing brands essence too. heh. oh and not forgeting pebbles! who was by feet all the while whilst i studied.. allowing me to do stupid things to her to unwind. i recall attempting to cut her fringe, and plait her fur when i was bored. heh.

now its freeeeeedom ahoy! i intend to first shrink my eyebags and watch the phantom of the opera tonight! (:

Marketing 101

2007-04-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

A professor was explaining marketing concepts to the students:

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" -That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: You are very rich! Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback.

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your market share.

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets.

Heh. Pretty lame huh. My marketing grp mate just sent that to me. perhaps i would have found it more amusing if i didnt have a marketing paper coming up. oh if only it were that simple.
anyway 1 down threeee more to go! Cant wait..although im hardly prepared for the rest of the papers..

Pris: yes! room partyyyy (:

2007-04-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

"A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!'

'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.'

Boo you cruel indifferent universe.
i guess thats the problem.. we all take ourselves and everything else too seriously. its like that wee plankton in spongebob sq pants proclaiming, ' BY TMR I WILL RULE THE WORLD!'

we're teeny little things that worry about almost everything & try to control almost everything.. i can imagine the Universe surveying us fr up there with eyebrows raised.

Why stress ourselves out over stuff like (not so) Simple Linear Regression models, why worry about so many things? There will always be things in life we cant control.. something will slip in somehow, through little flanks we've overlooked and left uncovered no matter how we're planned, plotted and calibrated everything.

The way i see it, we should do what we can and give our best now without looking at everything as if it were a life or death matter.. and not worry so much about the future. after all, in the long run we would all be dead.

heh. this coming from the girl who almost threw her stats bk out of the window in frustration.

here&now

2007-04-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

its been a tough few weeks. severe lack of sleep, running to and fro different proj meetings, trying to cramp in work and keep up w tuts. but with most of the presentations and quizes done save for one presentation and one creative assignment.. all we have to do is start revision for exams. which are approaching in TWO WEEKS time. hurray. whoever said university would be a walk in the park as compared to JC obviously lied. downright exhausting would be an understatement. it seems, the average sleeping time of an ntu nbs student who wants to keep up, just keep up not stay ahead, is to sleep at 3am. raaaah. excuse my current crankiness and insensitivity. this is what applying for a three year direct honours course does to u. and this is what my friend had to say:
'wah lan eh the stats test how fucking hard... die china bitch!' hahah. i concur. its so so frustrating.

ok i'll stop whining now.

pictures from our v time consuming marketing project:

our group collage!

Orange drops in purple rain. lavender ice cream with orange and lavender bits (:

we served them the icecream in this pretty cone holder thingy

and our product packaging complete w stickers & loyalty cards we printed :D

oh and we passed our golf test! hahah. after 8 wks of dragging ourselves down to keppel club after sch w all our heavy bags. yay i can hit the ball air borne till the red flag wo injuring anyone or myself. heh. Miracle i'll say.

ok its time for the last leg of the semester. whats done is done. everyday is fresh w no mistakes in it. i'll do well to remember that.

i just have to put this up

2007-03-22T02:45:00.000-07:00

hahahah. Pris and i were vvv bored in the room that day. we're acting cannibalistic pocahontas in one and japanese horror show in another. heh. and there's one w our bed fellows. her Big Bolster and my Bear.

And here's the sepia version with the bear looking at pris's scary bony hand and saying 'Thank god im in the other window.' hahah :D

Its dumb things like that thats a nice change fr a whole day of doing work n preparing for presentations. de stress turns stress to eustress (:

7more weeeks

2007-03-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

So here's wat i've been up to. the usual projs and tests, commuting to and from school home and driving.. good saturdays out, sundays rush to complete work...etcetcetc. (:

this is what we get up to after golf class. heh. hulla hulla hullaing at toys r us.

at marketing project, entertained ourselves drawing on the cups w crayons while waiting for the Boss. mines the one w the snail. heh

and pebblessssss! look at that pose. a regular model.

k im tired tts all for now. coming up next, another series of projs presentations tests and assignments. 1 more marketing, 2 more ob, 1 more com management, 1 stats case, 2 more quizes to be exact. And tt is after enduring 3 marketing presentations, 2 ob, 2 com management and 2 quizes in the earlier part of this sem alr! breaaaathe breathe.

i feel like a little egg festering in a test tube in one of those big labs of brave new world.

what's that you say?

2007-03-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

Its disconcerting, the way things creep up on you when u least expect it. leaving your head reeling as if you've sampled too much wine, the wind knocking it all out thoroughly like a clean break. letting the silent chasm peek out again, for a while but not quite closing..till later.

A painful reminder of past beautiful days, when things felt more sure, when the sky was more inclined to be blue, and possibilities seemed endless. (only it was not appreciated then, as is the case most of the time untill its gone and too late)
How can things that have felt so right, took decades to build collapse just like that. the world disintegrating right in the palm of your hand, slipping through ur powerless fingers. but never mind that.

what i dont get is how the past never ever stops having that hold on you. when much calculated effort has been put into accepting, letting go, embracing the new...moving on. its like a jack in the box, the past. jumping out suddenly and gripping you tight, snatching the air you were planning on inhaling. you know somehow that it will jump out from time to time... but still you are shocked everytime it jumps out, and even more so by the impact it still manages to leave.

everytime it jumps out its so vivid.. and leaves an inconvenient sense of longing. Snippets of then make the present pale in comparison for a minute or two before reality sets in again. perhaps this is due to the past and present still being unreconciled. its not been the smoothest and transitions arent the easiest things. For now strength and equanimity needs to be built up on again while the chasm takes its time to close and jack gets settled down again in its box. hopefully with time and more time it wont hit as hard when jack springs again from the box and i would be able to look at it like an old friend and smile quite fondly.. the past and present a strong stream.

oink oink!

2007-02-20T06:46:00.000-08:00

its the year of the pig now.. n its been good! fun, busy n tiring (: catching up with friends.. and family gatherings especially can be pretty eventful. heh. i cant get use to the fact tt a lot of my younger cousins are now taller than me! n they're real pleased abt it too. hmph. anw, some pics fr everywhere: (:

[we're all paired accdg to height n my partner is matthew who's SEC ONE and as tall as me]

[stupid chew is trying to eat my face n i was blissfully unaware]

plenty of good cheer, its pretty contagious.

like yeast

2007-02-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

its all about rising to the occasion.

2007-01-30T19:40:00.000-08:00

its hard to stay mad at someone. especially when u know that someone means well. of course it would be best to not get mad in the first place but that as usual, is a little hard to attain.
fairy godmothers shld really exist.. then w a wave of their wands, all will right itself, duties done, dreams attained, and no one harmed in the process. like the invisible hand, alls well that ends well.

This is us in australia, hunters valley, storybook garden. lying stretched out on the grass in e midst of a tumbling jack and a tumbling jill. heh. its like a time freeze, us splat in the middle of motion.

from the time traveler's wife:

'What is it? My dear?'

'Ah, how can we bear it?'

'Bear what?'

'This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?'

'We can be quiet together, and pretend-since it is only the beginning-that we have all the time in the world.'

'And every day we shall have less. And then none.'

'Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?'

'No. This is where i have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere.'

-A.S. Byatt

We're all got some weird relationship with time dont we. and i shall go start my day proper now.. wat a sleepy dreamy wednesday.

singing agreeably agreeably of

2007-01-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

(:

it feels good to be happy. amidst all the work n rush piling up.. despite stress n pressure charging in.. im happy. and it feels good to be happy. (:

warmth please

2007-01-13T05:07:00.000-08:00

its so cold nowadays tt i can sit in my room w doors n windows shut..fan off n still shiver. sitting at the balcony at night is near impossible now too. the draft tt creeps from over the massive tree tops just too chilly. barely 3 mins n goosebumps dot my skin. brr i dont like this kind of cold. its arid, penetrates right to the bone. a bit like how solitude sometimes does.

well the first academic wk of the yr was a mix of nice and slack. it feels like one of my feet is in school zone while the other holidaying, gambolling ard like an otter. i even managed to squeeze a visit to orchard n the beach. heh. it feels good, to be out of school on a sch wk.. sun shining wind blowing.. hardly a care n ipod singing in my ears. i skipped my way fr my house to the bus stop :D n the construction workers' stares didnt stop me either. heh.

Intense room cleaning n cobweb destroying, hazy morning lectures, haphazard book n notes buying. seeing the same old familiar faces again, having lunch w tania n cheryl, jill over at my hall lying on my bunny bed tog talking, pris n i talking before i drift off to sleep... its all so familiar it feels like i've never left. yet theres a different feel to it. N alr, the work has piled in.. obligations too. Its a bother trying to negotiate with the insane stats programs.. n somehow i manage to find myself agreeing to take kids out on excursions for a sum of 30bucks. oh boy. this sem looks set to be as challenging as the first.

Cuddle my Pebbles!

those silly little wounds

2007-01-06T07:21:00.000-08:00

while the bulk of us are fretting over the inevitable beginning of a new term, whining bout stuff like wth why r the stats notes 18pgs or shit how many lumbering lizards are there in our room by now, its easy to push aside/forget certain unpleasant things tt may otherwise cause much anxiety. its instinctive to want to duck or squrim away from painful things but that doesnt make it right. if picking at (not so) old scabs might help someone deal with her bleeding wounds better wont it be worth a try? i guess so.. if if u can bring urself to pick at those stubborn scabs that took a while to dry up.
sometimes i feel like telling that mirror 'oh get over yourself already'

its been sweet

2007-01-04T01:43:00.000-08:00

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

-Grey's Anatomy Don't Stand So Close To Me

Well, its been pretty interesting, 2006. Where do i start? Its been a year of new experiences. Some of them so absurd i wont dream of myself doing it. Attempting to explain the inner workings of a high tech vacuum cleaner in chinese, trying to lead hokkien cheers (not sth im exactly proficient in) w a bunch of flour/disgusting goo gunk splattered strangers.. trying to force feed sheep carrots in a small german town near the border of switzerland.. and i could go on and on but whats the point?

Bottom line is, big or small, absurd or simply lovely.. im glad for all these experiences. They're pushed me, unnerved me n basically made me grow some. 2006 wont be half as interesting n i wouldnt have grown half as much wo them. The year also saw more emotional exhaustions than i would have liked to have.. Still, im really glad for the ppl that have stuck w me thru all the shit i get myself tangled in. Not because of e convenient excuse of school or because circumstances made us.. but because we're just glad to have each other in our lives. thank you (:

so toodles 2006 n hey 2007! with an open mind who knows what this year might bring.

merry christmas

2006-12-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

Christmas shopping is no mean feat. i started my christmas shopping on the 23rd (last min as usual) w bob, our motto being 'make it quick!'.. alas, we took a grand total of FIVE AND A HALF HOURS. yeah a stressful five and a half hours it was.. and we didnt even venture out of taka! taka departmental store was the worst.. although i did get most of the stuff there. people people! of all shapes sizes n positions.. as if the aisles werent narrow enough, some even brought strollers complete w grumpy babies. toys, bags, knick knacks.. all kinds of interesting stuff were strewn all over the place.. n everywhere ppl were squashed digging for good buys.. i would have happily stayed out if not for the large signs yelling 'SALE', 'CHRISTMAS DISCOUNT'.. n for my barely half completed christmas list staring at me. so bob n i dived it.. side stepping rampaging kids, frazzled sales staff and other fellow bad tempered shoppers.

i must say christmas shopping doesnt feel christmassy at all. It never seemed that bad before.. i must be getting old. heh. Really tho, how happy grateful n peace loving can u feel if ur feet feel like moosh aft being trampled on, sides hurt fr being elbowed, n being weighed down by heavy shopping bags tt threaten to rip? u know satan instead of santa has reared his ugly head when u see ppl looking as if they would wanna bite each others head off instead of smiling at each other.

Granted, Christmas shopping can occassionally feel good tho. Like when jill n i managed to get something really nice n worth it tt we know the recipient would like. or when we think of the most ridiculous but cute presents, which involves dolls on wooden rocking chairs. heh. It can even seem fun (on hindsight), when my sis n i end up shouting at each other over the blaring music, ' ARE U SURE SHE CAN WEAR THAT! AUNTY SATI IS HUUUUGE U KNOW' hahah. and then we would burst into song tog..

'four calling birds three french hens two turtle doves and a patridge in a pear treeeeeee.'

christmas songs are pretty contagious. hard not to be since they're playing everywhere :D

oh n present wrapping too. not easy considering im not particularly skilled in that area n my sis specialises in scotch tape tearing only. heh.

i guess thats why i always do my christmas shopping last min. why prolong the agony? get it all done full force in 2 days.

seriously tho, at times it seems as if the ones really benefiting fr christmas may be solely the shopping centres. i guess christmas would only really be one big commercial gimmick n seem 'satan-ish' if we overdo it by focusing on the ripping apart presents part. i mean, the whole point of this is not to get the thing u've been hankering after.. its more of a token of appreciation, to let the recipient know u're remembering n treasuring them this christmas, to spread a little joy at the end of the year. of course by right treasuring each other should be done through out the year.. but honestly how many of us can do that 365 days a year? so if there's an occassion to spread a lil joy why not (:

its only when someone tells me 'eeeeee dont get me that... i want tt 4209283409 bucks guess top' then i'll get pissed n stressed n inclined to think that santa is satanic. bcos its not the gifts u get.. but the act of giving and receiving. so despite scary crowds n irate shoppers, i'll say

yay for christmas!

snowman takes on the world (:

up from down under!

2006-12-18T05:09:00.000-08:00

holidays are strange things. its like being picked up by this big hand that spins the globe around and then drops u in some other corner of the world. a plunge into new sights sounds and smells. pretty cool, but half the time it seems unreal.. more so if your trips are anything like mine. we're hard core travellers man. heh. or more like kiasu, plenty of Must Sees n rushing abt.

Anw, in a really compressed version, here's wat we did.

Brisbane
-sea world: crazy animals n hilarious shows.
-movie world: wild roller coaster rides! hysterical fun too much adrenaline
-surfers paradise: swam at the beautiful beach. bruised and battered by those fierce waves! but we just kept gg back for more (:
-shop!

Port Stephens
-braved the rain and went out to sea to see wild dolphins! they're amazing. smart n beautiful n cute. they rode on the waves under our ship, occasionally flipping sideways to look at us (they're got perfect eyesight btw) n showing us their cute white bellies! their spectacular jumps drew collective wows fr us too. heh (:
- slid down a really really steep sand dune on a sleigh over n over again. mouthful of sand n back breaking climb back up everytime but it was fun.
- biking up steep sand hills on this quad bike thingy. exciting. too much when our bikes got stuck halfway tho n starts spewing sand n gg backwards. scary. i even fell off the bike when speeding down the hill. heh. vrrroom splat. lucky the sand was soft n the bike avoided me (:

Hunters Valley
-horse riding w tons of flies. ugh. wild kangroos hopping all over
- flower garden where we took crazy photos
-vineyard hopping n wine tasting.

tamborine mountain
-illegal apple picking at the orchard. apples on real trees have never been so exciting (:
-jenolan caves. interesting but cold n creepy.. w wall of screaming faces n wall of hook noses. all nature's doing.

sydney!
- shopping at various markets.
-darling harbour jet boat ride: damn fun (: music blasting, wind was so strong n we were cruising along at such high speeds w sudden turns n exciting stunts. sis n i were laughing too hard n getting soaked. plus there were great views. sydney opera house etc. i thought all my eyelashes would be blown off n our hair stayed salty n tangled the rest of the day. heh.
-sydney opera house. wowww. it looked like the inside of a crab to me at first.. not a very impressive impression but its actually wonderful.
-lastly bondi beach. its the most mesmerising beach ever. not bcos of the topless women sunbathing but the waves n soft sun. the perfect beach! we stood there w our mouths open. heh.

oh well. pics will be added soon (: so thats a fufilling barelyhavetimetocatchbreath holiday. whatever immense claustrophobia, car sickness, tiredness, getting lost in the dark n inevitable friction all quite forgotten by e stream of activities n ongoing excitement. tho things at some point were rickety it was worth getting through it. striving and moving along.
n now its back home to simple pleasures like my nice smelling stain free bed, fluffy squishy dog, space, peaceful silence, books n catching up w ppl i love.

i have lots to be thankful for. (:

safe in a crazy world

2006-11-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

it looks like there's some huge magnetic or gravitational force thats twisting the contours of the world, blending the sky and land in a continuous stream. Even the human skeleton form has been altered.. the eyes vacant, probably popped out or rendered blind. whatever the force is, it must be pretty strong. should the human be able to resist that strange force and keep his skull intact, perhaps one day the force would recede and we can all wear big hats and go dancing.

i'm entitled to be grumpy gills

2006-11-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

I rem once on one of my more carefree days earlier this year, we were at the beach lounging ard. my dad, sis and i... and the rest of the family. The sun was shinning, sea breeze playing with our hair... and everything was kinda perfect. well, except for the stinky tent that liked to collapse on us fr time to time. heh. And it suddenly occured to me as i was leaning on the trunk of an amiable looking tree, how nice it must be... to be a tree at the beach. To have the sun shining so bright but not feel hot cos of the wind.. to have birds nestling in ur 'hair', people sit at ur 'feet' and listen to the kind of conversations they have all day. yeah, it'll be pretty cool to be a tree i think.

i especially wont mind being a tree now. i wont mind having a bit of work free solitude, letting the flurry pass me by while i stand there n drink in the world and uh.. share w the other trees. heh. seriously. its 13 days to the exams! and they're still teaching. nutsssss. Its pandemonium and everyone seems to be stoning or slumped over some tb... laughing like maniacs b4 quizes or hobbling to and fro.. prob weighed down by 23097523 things-to-do or maybe just by the eyeBAGS. Lately i've noticed an increase in similar msn nicks too. Stuff like:
'I need a getawayyyyy', 'I need some fun', 'whoever said uni was slack deserves to be shot!!' or for some of the more cheena ones, ' sianzz diaoz' and 'die liaoz lahx'

oh well everything has a bright side riiiiight. 'even straight lines have curves, just that we haven come to the turning pt yet.' uhuh. the coming of exams means the coming of hols too.. and christmas! i guess tt makes things feel a wee bit better somewhat.

moan&groan

2006-10-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

Its thursday again. i wont have school till monday. four days a week of school... shldnt sound too bad right? well, four days have never repeatedly felt so tiring. this is tiring shit.

This week especially has been particularly life sucking. i feel like a walking shrivelled prune... in need of hydration (water=life) but this will only come till much later i expect. so meanwhile, i'll continue to dry up under the scorching heat and incur more wrinkles till that day comes. if it ever does :( Now it feels as though im disjointed, less myself. My mind seems to be somewhere floating overhead while my body sits here sluggish. Nearly headless nic. I need something more than water, sleep and food. An extreme makeover i guess, of perceptions... a reason.

oh well, shrivelled decapitated humanprunes still have to go on.

you cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take.

mary poppins and her umbrella

2006-10-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Last friday, a nice middle aged woman did something nice for me. I was on my way to the national lib w a heavy bag of books when it suddenly started pouring like crazy.
Not wanting to get myself drenched, i stood under the rickety old shelter searching morosely for any sheltered route i could take buuuut there was none. Dashing across roads half blinded by the rain somehow seemed too scary for me to handle too.
So i watched as people w umbrellas all drifted past in a blur for a good twenty minutes.. hoping the rain would ebb.
Then out of the blur of streaming people and rain, this angel of a woman stepped out and said to me simply, 'Where you heading? i'll take you there.' I was so thankful i impulsively wanted to hug her and probably would have if i werent carrying so many things. Before she appeared i was on the point of dissolving and slumping onto the floor in exhaustion and exasperation.
She walked me to my destination with me and w a simple thank u so much she was gone.

Its nice to know that just when u think u are alone, just you and the problem, someone, a total stranger might think of you... and make your problem their own and help you deal with it. She neednt have stopped to help, could have just walked on like the rest in a faceless crowd.. but she did, and helped lessen the burden i felt. Its the little things(: Surely, if everyone made it a point to help someone whenever we can, the world would feel less weary as a whole. And i realise, its ok to accept help sometimes too.. although i make myself be as independent as i can be. We're all made to give and receive after all.. one without the other doesnt work. its only when we learn to give and receive that we become more complete.

part of a conversation i overheard:

i live by faith and not by sight
but sometimes sight affirms faith
Sight wo faith however, affirms nothing.

Quite true i guess.

2006-09-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

home made plastic mat (stapled by jills dad), a couple of dusty candles, gooood fooood, 3.80 squishy cheesecake, marshmallows n bday candles, the occassional squeaky rat, nice scenary and plenty of good cheer makes a great gathering! (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JILLY E**ECTN BOB :D

hahah. it was fun... makes me miss those jc days again. oh well. An impossible amt of work, projects, presentations and a test gives one big black eye rings n lots of bruises. yeah, running to and from hall rushing for projects has resulted in me banging into walls pillars tables n bed side drawers n getting lots of bruises. Recess wk is bad for health! Its just for professors to gleefully dish out work while THEY rest. Still, i wish it werent nearly over.. its been nice to stay at home more this week.. w my sis n pebbles hanging ard.. my nice comfy bed n u shape pillow.. n watch my dad fight w pebbles over the precious turkish carpet of his which pebbles thinks is hers. hahah. oh well, easy come easy go. I shall look forward to dec end of sem hols! and omit the oct exams fr my memory temporarily.

because i love you

2006-09-26T04:46:00.000-07:00

i wish you were here
solidly, or in spirit

i chucked it away
and slit its gnawing throat

i give
and receive

i guard you with it
raw in its splendour

i swallow
and not judge

i let you go
but going stay

because i love you
i wish i didnt, like the way i do

you, you and you.

long entry ahead!

2006-09-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

And so.... its recess week. wow tt means 1/12 of my uni life is over... if i calculated tt right. heh. isnt it scary.. the way time flips spins and whizzes out the door. one moment u are doing hokkien cheers feeling like a retard and the next u are dragging ur bags out of hall home for mid term break. So now what stretches ahead are tons of tutorials, readings, projects, presentations, reports, assignments and essays.. n at the same time fun beach outings, shopping trips, n all the things i love to do are all calling for me. how does one do that all in one wk n still keep sane?

Uni life's been like that. busy busy n one big blur.. a big race to do everything, fr hanging out w friends aft class, to hall stuff...n scrambling to keep up w readings n tuts n the over zealous business ppl who are freakishly focused. heh. Understanding n internalizing new concepts w blurry eyes n a sleepy woozy head is no mean feat. So is tossing in bed trying to descend into hazy elusive sleep while loud laughter drifts along the corridors or when a gaggle of guys suddenly appear at ur door banging hard n hooting excitedly like a bunch of baboons waving a suspicious video recorder at 2am. tt left my roomie and i terrified n crouching in the dark for quite a while.. heh.

Its come to a point when its sheer chaos, n the days fold into each other (to put it nicely) w all sorts of obligations n work getting tangled up in betw. Its like this pendulum alternating betw fun n stress. extremities. Thats it.. uni ppl are in every way extreme. but most things dont thrive under extreme conditions. they grow sporadically n become mutants tt go beep beep n explode suddenly. And a mutants not what i want to be. So, much as how rushed n squashed this one wk breaks gonna be.. im glad for it so i can attempt to stop the pendulum fr swinging too much.

the thing i realise bout hall ppl, or most of us adapting in a new env such as this, is that we're often sucked into this PP hole. the suctions pretty strong so only a person who's substantially solid can resist it or climb out of it. and tho we're always busy or busying ourselves w activities n obligations n ppl.. it doesnt stop the sense of isolation that permeates the halls at times. And increasingly, esp in the days leading up to recess wk.. i've seen the faces of my friends getting more haggard n eye rings darker.. n amongst them mine too. Real lasting happiness comes fr within, not from anyone nor any false sense of belonging to any group.

so here's my declaration:

much as i would love gg out for midnight suppers, hanging ard aft class chitchatting for hours while we browse at mini marts, crashing each others halls, gg to ice skate, watching movies on laptops, or in the courtyard w free popiah n all... i cant do everything n go for everything. somethings got to give. and its def not gonna be my work, rest or my own time anymore.(:

Im glad i have heaving lawn mowers like jill (who wants special mention) n a few others i can count on to root me when the ground beneath me feels like its slipping.

Random quote fr a niiiiiice movie, The Family Man:

Jack: We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids, Annie and Josh. Annie's not much of a violin player, but she tries real hard. She's a little precocious, but that's only because she says what's on her mind. And when she smiles... And Josh, he has your eyes. He doesn't say much, but we know he's smart. He's always got his eyes open, he's always watching us. Sometimes you can look at him and you just know he's learning something new. It's like witnessing a miracle. The house is a mess but it's ours. After 122 more payments, it's going to be ours. And you, you're a non-profit lawyer. That's right, you're completely non-profit, but that doesn't seem to bother you. And we're in love. After 13 years of marriage we're still unbelievably in love. You won't even let me touch you until I've said it. I sing to you. Not all the time, but definitely on special occasions. We've dealt with our share of surprises and made a lot of sacrifices but we've stayed together. You see, you're a better person than I am. And it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was just all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and I imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane right now, it'll disappear forever. I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us.

Jack btw is this guy who became rich n successful in the monetary sense when he left his hometown for wat he wanted (or thought he did) and he's suddenly transported back to the life of his other self, the one who decided to stay behind n take a chance at life here w Kate.

cool right! its shows like this that silences the cynic doubtful 'money is everything survival is key' voice in me.. n reminds me to take chances.. n not calculate life like how i would w predicted interest rates. Cos as shown in the movie, life really would be empty even w big houses gd food n cars.. wo the simple joys tt stem fr love, hope and believing.

snaps snaps

2006-09-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

im in a pictures mood!

Heres some of s23! our picture on the colourful wall of pitstop cafe.. we went there to.. celeb sb's advance bday or sth i think. hahah.

And this is sirius. my nbs camp grp. hahah. we're doing another one of our retarded things.

And this is dear loony sb and i. sister of bo bo face n ardent fan of a certain lanky bearded man who dances while he conducts. heh. she's gonna be in germany soon. the land of the worlds best n cutest football players.

Sy me and sally! they came to my hall to visit me one fiiiine day n also helped to tidy it up a bit. heh (:

Na my tall lanky model quality cousin, me and my sis at the beach family picnic. hahah (:

pris and i at hall 3's dnd. we're supposed to be pirates but i misplaced my eye patch aft a while.

some of sirius girls at zh's 21st bday party. look how long blackie shaun's arms are! hahah. he's our cgl for nbs camp.

there's more pics but im sick of digging them up for now. another time then (:

2006-09-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

wed nights are my fav time of the week. all the stress n flurry builds up frighteningly high till then and then receeds.. for a while anyway. Wed 530 to be exact.. is when i bounce happily out of the cold arid finance seminar room (which really reminds me of a mortuary w its death strikes n solemnity) cos all my major lessons for the week are over! of course there's still a pile of work n tests to study for waiting for me.. but the urgency of it fades into the backgrd for a while.. esp on wed eveings (:

yeah so uni life has been fun.. socially. i wont say my modules are much fun tho. except when we're doing amusing things like programming robots to kill each other or when im sniggering over stupid phrases in my textbook like 'determine the tightness of this distribution' or the once a wk lit lects w e giggly ilovebede jill. we had to draw a cockroach in lit class! hahah. n the one i draw looked too cute n unbecoming for a cockroach which in actual fact is a hideous monstrous insect. most of the time tho.. during work consists of me trying valiantly to make my trial balance balance.. n understand e inner workings of the twisted alien financial market. YAWWWN. Apart fr the stress.. sch life can be called fun i guess. with diff grps of ppl i suppose i can call frens to eat with.. save me a seat.. share funny stories w.. do work w.. whine to.. go mad food shopping with.. n sometimes count on. having said tt, uni life is all bout independence too.. we have to learn to be responsible for ourselves cos few will look out for u.

its all been a huge big rush... this first month of uni.. n im still bumbling along the path trying to keep up w everything.. adapting to new experiences n all.. but so far everythings alright. its all part of a long journey anw.

because im bored

2006-08-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

A self indulgent n pointless quiz

4 names you go by:
1)nicole
2)nic
3)ham
4)picky

4 things that scare u most:
1) losing my memory
2) indifference
3)waking up one day middle aged n pear shaped n realising tt half my lifes over and im still not where and who i want to be n being too scared to do anything abt it.
4) persistent pervs n ghosts or maybe just my overactive imagination.

4 of your everyday essentials:
1)sleep
2)laughter
3)wind sky sunshine
4)food

4 things you are wearing right now:
1)black top
2)3 quarter jeans
3)the usual stuff underneath
4)flower pendant necklace

4 favourite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
1) the carpenters
2) the eagles
3) blink182
4) coldplay

4 favorite songs (at the moment)
1) stars by switchfoot
2)marching bands of manhattan by death cab for cutie
3)close to you by the carpenters
4)time of your life by green day

4 truths:
1) i miss my mum n the once upon a times more often then i let on
2) the future excites n terrifies me
3) im fiercely loyal n loving to those tt really matter to me [sounds like a dog heh]
4) i like the night air.. sometime i fall asleep on my balcony ledge only to wake up later to the night sky n sprinkles of stars (:

4 of your favorite hobbies:
1) cycling but not on hilly areas
2) long scenic walks or bus rides
3) lounging anywhere w air con music huge comfy sofa w pillows n lots of books n food :D
4) doodling

4 things you want really badly:
1) everyone to be happy n healthy! [hahah cliche...]
2) fresh happy looking flowers to pooof magically appear everyday on my table!
3) the strength to sieze n deal w whatever tt comes my way
4) er... more clothes? i know, for the idea of war to be a thing of the past so less ppl will die n there'll be no need for ns and weapons and everyone will be free! heh.

4 places you want to go on vacation:
1) Greece
2) croatia
3) japan
4) some african city prob

4 things you want to do before you die:
1) be a hippie gypsy n abandon safe routine for however long i want to globe trot w someone i love so i can uncover more stories n tell them to my grand children when im old and grey... hahah. which bring me to my next point...
2) have a kid or two or three! wo giving birth. heh.
3) oh and before tt i'll have to marry first
4) see my dad n sis n family n ppl i love achieve wat they set out to do n live life happily.

4 ways that you are stereotypically a dude/chick:
1) i have a lot of bags [but not enough] to suit every occassion.
2) i like floral prints n pink n heart shaped flowers stars butterflies n dolphins. heh.
3) i never have enough clothes no matter how much i shop. [which is not v often anw]
4) erm.. i dont like bugs they scare me. but i do like adam brody n hugh grant n ballack n zidanes head butt n phillip lahm's elbow cast etc. hahah

4 things you are thinking about now:
1) i must be really bored
2) im hungry
3) im sleepy
4) the green curtains in my hostel room are ugly.
yeah im not exactly in deep thoughts mode now.

2006-07-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

i kinda miss the walks i take after work. Those days when come 530 i would promptly shut my lap top roll up my sleeves, leave the building wo a backward glance and just walk n walk n walk. (i vaguely remember dashing diagonally across big junctions somewhat recklessly in my comfy flats while other women tottered on their heels like chickens) Not till the building's out of sight will i slow down to a leisurely pace. I miss sitting on those black slabs overlooking the singapore river watching the reflections of huge buildings play on the water.. and the occassional river taxi cutting across the picture.. or if the times right, the orange ball setting n cutting the sky open making it look all pink fluffy and edible. yeah i miss that.. and sometimes when i feel up to it.. i would walk past the fullerton across the bridge through esplanade park all the way to the esplanade.. before heading home. There's something about walks, and river breezes i think... that can clear one's head and make things seem a little better.

Anw this last few wks have been fun and relaxing. I'll miss the rolling ard n book devouring n impromptu stayovers n late night tv programmes n hikes thru macr to kayak n hanging ard just talking n catching ups! oh and i've been playing ard w my new laptop a lot. LOOK:

ok not the best picture.. too dark. oh well what with the v fun but v tiring nbs camp over n fr which im still recovering (2hours sleep every night for a wk!) and hall camp next wk.. my days of unrestricted rest n slacking are numbered!

oh and my bday came n went too. my last one before the BIG TWO. thanks to those who made it special by baking ( i ate cheesecake for a whole wk n enjoyed every crumpet) showering me w cute lil gifts n notes n cards.. for remembering.. for the many well wishes and for just making time to be there (:

and the beat goes on...

2006-07-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Wats worse? having an empty house of echos or having shouts echoing off, tension n grief seeping in thru the walls. or to know that them who matter most are hurt lost and confused n u are in no position to really help. Sometimes it all gets to me so much i feel the room spinning when i close my eyes in bed at night and it feels as though there are two thick poles pushing against my temples compact into a small space the size of an atom that it seems as if there would be an explosing of some sort.. sort of like the big bang only less grand and result in a black hole occuring and then suck me into deep oblivion.

Someone i spoke to (cant rem who) told me that i would make my life way easier if i were to turn into a cold heartless self centred bitch. heh. that made me laugh.

i guess it all comes down to it being all about balance. when to seize and when to let go.. when to tighten n when to slack.. when to help and when to take a back seat.. because like it or not n hard as it is, some battles must be fought alone.. some paths conquered alone in order for it to be done.. and all u can do is stand at the side w nothing of much use to offer but a hand to hold n a place in ur heart while u attempt to tread e path tt is ur own n conquer ur own seas.

some snaps of the past wk

2006-07-10T01:48:00.000-07:00

Theo's shot of me taking a shot. hahah. So these are what transition periods are like.. a series of blurred meet ups and stayovers. Fun but nonetheless dreamy. Its funny how hard it is to feel like ur actually living when ur waiting for things to happen. this must how caterpillars feel like while they're in their cocoon waiting to evolve into a butterfly. worrying bout how they would turn out or whats gonna happen. why cant the silly caterpillar just enjoy the change! hahahh. ok im babbling.

Anw, its nice.. to be able to do stuff like lie on a kayak n let the waves rock u.. lie snug on a narrow park bench w a fren and look up at the trees n sky while listening to batches of giggly sch girls talk abt their happy sch day in familiar fashion like we used to.. do out of the ordinary stuff like ride on the river taxi w a bunch of tourists.. running ard in the bowling alley in our hole-ly shoes.. arguing whether or not to eat 'third world' thai food.. and taking wildly funny jumping n other embarrasing shots at the esplanade rooftop. hahah. oh well... what else can i sayyy (:

Macr b4 kayaking! (:
hahah. dont we look funny?

Theo and i on tourist day out (:

Heartbreak Hotel

2006-07-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

And so.. we're been kicked out. Done in in the last TWO minutes of extra time when some short hairy goblin like pasta crunching dude shot one in. last twoooo minutes. just one week ago i shouted myself hoarse over tt too exciting win over the argentines n now e quest ends like tt. its tt one moment, that one that can change everything.

i still recall tt horrid moment all too clearly. the traitorous ball sailing off the goblin's foot slow mo into the back of the german net. and i stopped my nervous jig n sat on the floor mouth hanging open while millions of germans grasped their heads simultaneously. my phone was swarmed w condolences n gloats, the commentators' celebratory tones didnt help i shld have muted them and the sight of little blue clad things grinning n jumpling wildly on the screen while my heroes sat in despair were too much to bear so jill and i poured ourselves into bed at the crack of dawn heartbroken. or rather just me since jill's heart was alr in pieces by englands exit.

i still love germany tho, and im still boycotting italian food for a week. Despite my declaration being met w cries of 'dont be stupid!'. its called taking a stand and besides, im mourning. The german team really did deserve this lah.. a place in the final. They were much better than the 2002 team.. under the guidance of klinsy playing a more exciting attacking game.. still solid in defence n full of young energetic hungry cute players. I can say they deserved it more than the italians.. who scraped thru their matches esp the one w australia. oh welllllll. so its italy vs france.. who would have thought. it doesnt matter who wins tho.. it makes no diff to me. i just want portugal trashed now! esp since cristiano 'unscrupulous' ronaldo's there. frankly i hate the guy. Tho figo deserves respect..

hahah ok enough world cup for now... besides tt paaaaainful match my first wk off work has been pretty ok. Its nice to be back in the world i know... away fr raffles place- the Land of Monster Buildings, Black Pressed Suits n Steely Women on Killer Heels.
I've never felt like this in a long time.. since pri sch june hols prob. Just slow relaxation n good old friendship. Its almost unreal. I'll blog more perhaps when i get the pics [attn: Lee Sin Yan Mak Prata J Theo Lee n Fok WChing] heh.

For now, GO DEUTSCHLAND- 3RD PLACE FINISH!

GERMANY

2006-06-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day of work, aaaand the day of the Match of The Year! in my opinion anw.

EAT DUST ARGENTINA!

Heh. The world cup is exciting. Now that dear spain is out of the running, its all on germany! Its gonna be a tough match today tho.. n i would hate to see a team like argentina go.. but something's gotta give. And im biased. Germany's got my heart ever since 2002 (:

So i walk into office today unabashedly sporting my too big blackredyellow DEUTSCHLAND wristband much to the amusement and disgust (fr argent supporters) of some of my colleagues. The office is bustling w excitement n almost everyone is making soccer bets. heh.

Heres some online banter w fellow office slave ellyn who only supports argentina cos i support germany:

iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
argents are -- awesome righteous gentlemen ensured nothing to sweat (about)......

* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
hahahha
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
clever lahhh u
iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
u try also lah

* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
hahah okkkkkkkk

* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
g roovy
e xcellent
r igorous
m en!
a bled and
n imble
un Y ielding

iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
hahahaha...lemme try yours....
iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
hmm...
iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
germs are catching!!!!!!!
iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
hahhaha....
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
hahah!
iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
lol.......okok....u turn to return!!! do for argents!!!!!

* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
ok...
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
hmmm.
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
(Argh!)entina
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
hahahah

iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
meano!!!! i said sth nice ok!! must be healthy competition!!!!
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
heh ok
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
i shall tuck aside my surging competitve urges n try...
* /seraph. like a poultice. says:
(ahhhhh..)gentina

iceblend * ~ yuhl jung!! says:
lol!!!!!!!!

okay here ends this entry. i gotta go wrap up my last day.

Your grass is green too

2006-06-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

What was two years.

A desperate bid to stay on the map of life? or perhaps just plain obstination that helps the dubious pill of denial go down. Maybe it was the complacency tt comes w us humans, the assured air that makes us struggle to still keep our head up.. and look the monster in the eye. even as it gets harder and harder, and slowly takes the light out of our eyes. Yes, that which make ppl recklessly hopeful, foolishly optimistic.. despite facts not justifying any of it. An ant all geared to take on the alps.

And for what? Two years. What should be in this assured persistent struggle, this glorious fight to only end in disquiet. All frantic scramblings, foolish hope and reckless optimism to be silenced by a- The veins, they're closed.
Uttered shakily but with the weight of a tomb.

Two years, brief but there. Brief but brimming w hope. Foolish reckless hope but nevertheless, hope. Without which, these 2 years would not have happened. Without which, there would be no struggle, instead a submission to circumstances.

If anything, the having and ending of the 2 years have shown me it is all in the struggle. The struggle to not bow to facts and statistics, but battle for ur beliefs and what feels right. To not worry n calculate the future, but stick w what u want now despite logic showing u the door. If not, the 2 years wouldnt have existed.

Happiness comes from knowing when to sieze it and when to let go. Whatever is siezed must be let go of eventually.. Unhappiness comes from wanting the happiness that is here to be permanent.

Some days when i get out of the office, the air seems so cold and thin. Even the people on the bus seem cold and thin when really, its nothing personal. The house looks dark and empty with sounds fr the tv echoing off the walls and it is on these days i wonder what it is for, and though i need warmth most i just pull lazily on my shroud n wrap the cold thin air tighter ard.. before attempting to plunge into evasive sleep.

Though some nights are long n life a riddle, the sun will go on rising and setting.. bringing with it fair shares of cold thin air and warm breezes.

What matters is this:
In this journey to somewhere, I am Now Here. And Here I shall live.

2006-06-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

I remember feeling violently car sick.. desperately trying to fall asleep as i sat cramped in sabina's small car. We crossed lake constanz then went round and round on endless winding roads for bout 4 hours or so... It was a long time before i fell into a sick kinda sleep.. and i was grumbling in my dreams wishing i never stepped into the car in the first place when a shout, 'LOOK!' woke me up and i saw thiiiiiiis. THE ALPS. its wat i would say i remember most bout my trip to germany. In that instant i forgot all bout my urge to puke or the aches in my back. heh. cliched but true. The view was just amazing.. rows and rows of them all around us. Big strong and raw. It felt like we were in the inside of some great dinosaur's jaw.

Funny how something beautiful and true can strike so suddenly and make misery forgotten. It might not be in the form of something big like the alps but in the form of simple gestures too. Like a friend calling to say you are missed, or another dropping by to visit while you're sick. Its everywhere, as long as you are open to it.

So, im stuck home my first wkend back. So much for plans to catch up. I feel like a pregnant man.. more like i sound like a man and feel pregnant. husky groggy and dizzy. still, im a pretty happy pregnant man. It feels good to stay home and sleep the wkend away for once.. much needed rest. i haven been taking care of myself properly of late.

i just watched polar express. such a nice chrismassy movie. too bad its still far away.. heh. oh well. all in good time..
One line stood out for me: Its not where the train is heading, but if you decide to get on it.
How true. Sometimes you need dreamy movies like this to teach you what you're forgotten.

2006-05-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

wat a rare occurence. i've finished my work early today n The Boss has no time to review n comment so im freeee. till tomorrow at least before He realises we're behind schedule again n starts getting all agitated n bombard me w a hundred things to do at once in an impossibly short time. ah, cant wait.

For now, its just me my laptop n the few colleagues who can lift their heavy lidded eyes away fr the screen for a moment to make small talk. thanks gdness for dumb updates, msn n fellow office slaves like maria (:

Right now its so quiet..tt i can hear some dude's tummy rumbling and the woman sitting way over there at the far end sniffling. i can even make out the lyrics fr the songs playing in mp3 wo putting on the earphones.. n the volumes at level 6 only.

i feel the perverse urge to scream. or sing loudly. make some bombastic explosive noise to shock them into the world of the living. plus the look on their faces would probably be priceless. hahah. Its too bad i still want to keep this job. heh.

if life were as exciting n drama as it is in the movies i could prob storm up to The Boss after an absolutely horrible day at work, slap my resignation letter on the table, yell I QUIIIIIT and run around the office like a headless chicken letting out whoops of joy n hollering BYE SUCKERSSS before walking out onto the streets as a free spirit.

hahah. as it is... these things only happen on shows. if i did that in real life, i would prob walk out onto the streets w dejection sinking in go home n start lookg at the classified ads to start the cycle again. heh. anw.. its not like im really hating my work. its quite a challenging business.. learning how to handle ppl, act professional and manage monster projects. sometimes theres just so many things to do its all so unclear n the pressures so great w ppl yelling orders tt i've to mutter dontpanicdontpanic in my head just to keep calm. heh. everyday i just leave the office feeling dizzy fr post work high n sheer exhaustion.

plus there are always many awkward situations. once i staggered into a meeting room w 2 japanese n 2 germans clients all waiting for The Boss to come in. i was just the drinks n goody bag girl but nooo they wouldnt let me off n i had to entertain them before The Boss made his appearance. Man ive got a lot to learn. hahahh.

Germany, though only 2 days away, still seems quite far away. Guess it'll never really sink in tt im actually flying away till im on the plane feeling tt gush of suspended weightlessness when the plane takes off. How exciting. (:

k a woman w scary stiff eyelashes glued at the tips n dressed in all yellow resembling big bird has just asked me if i could help her w something.

Life&Happiness

2006-05-10T01:11:00.000-07:00

Its fruit day today and we're all been given a plum.
its a nice glossy red, smooth small and wonderfully round. and it fits nicely in my hand too (:

if only everything could feel as right as having a plum in ur palm.

this past few months, or this whole year so far in fact, has been an interesting one. i came in wanting to do so many things, try tons of stuff i normally wont have the time to do. i came in expecting it to be a promising year of answers.. but its turning out instead to be a puzzling year of questions.

Instead of the exciting yr i was expecting, where we would all dive gracefully into Life, discover all things amazing and be filled with the sweetness of contentment... its been more of an unsettling yr of waiting. waiting for results, waiting for uni acceptance letters, shuffling betw jobs... basically waiting for things to happen. not just things.. but the one thing that would hit u hard on the head and make u realise this is what u've been waiting for, this is what u want out of life.

Dont get me wrong though, this whole 'waiting' period has had its many splendid moments.. and i've enjoyed myself aplenty. its just not what i anticipated.. like most of the things in life. most of the things i've planned since last yr to do suddenly didnt seem so impt this yr n werent carried out.. but the things i hadnt planned happened. im glad it happened this way tho n can safely say i dont regret anything at all so far.

i guess im just being and have been far too impatient. Things dont just fall from the sky, plans dont drop into place, nor do ants file in a straight line at the snap of ur fingers. We seem to want to scramble thru the tangle of time, sieze Happiness by the hips and hold her [i'll like to think Happiness is female heh] close.. neglecting the beauty that often comes from letting things unfold and appreciating it. its easier said than done tho.. but perhaps patience, discernment and faith is the key.

i'll be leaving for germany soon and its time to stop slinking away fr my doubts, hesistations and fear of the choices and the future and get my uni applications settled. Perhaps life would slowly follow suit and settle itself too.

2006-04-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

i prefer the occassional,
i prefer the taste of the wind..

sometimes i do. i wish i could not care a hoot bout anything n just live here and now... uninhibited n unrestricted. take the body for example. its a kind of cage..
i wish i didnt have a body.. its troublesome. then my solid imagination and i can balance on rooftops, leap from chimney to chimney gracefully and bounce to and fro from the clouds and tree tops. or i can dive into the ocean n swim amongst the whales n pretty fishes.. wo having to worry bout oxygen tanks or wrinkled skin or the whale accidentally crushing me with its big big body.

yet we human beings tend to tie ourselves down.. we want to. i want to. like now, i could be outside running along the spore river breathing in its tangy scent singing at the top of my voice.. but im in a grey cubicle just like tons others here pretending to be hard at work. hahah. and whyyy. cos i choose to... but whyyy...cos my dad wants me to... why do i bother? cos i supposedly love him... n yes i do want to love him. so everyones restrained cos they choose to love and to be loved. kinda masochistic huh.
but then again thats too negative a view. whats life wo love albeit all the 'constraints' it brings? and if one chooses freedom over these constraints.. then one's not ready to love or be loved i guess. and like some guy in measure for measure said... too much freedom can turn to restraint and is in itself a restraint too. restraint too can also turn into freedom.

hehhh. does that all make sense? im like some muddled rubber ducky bumping ard.
okay back to those figures n invoices. yaaaaawn.

2006-04-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

wow my 2nd wk of bumming just fleeeeeeew past! its been pretty splendid. but who knew bumming could be so tiring? heh.

my days have been filled with lazy hazy mornings, afternoon outings n much night time tv. some days are spent languorously.. rolling ard w a gd book.. then heading down somewhere to lunch w someone n catch up over gd food.. some are spent rushing ard trying to do too many errands n meet multiple ppl all at once..
yep this few days have been alright.

i remember snuggling up on couches in the library w chew, flipping through magazines gawking at gaudy designer gowns n sniggering at odd looking 'fashionistas'.

i remember settling down to A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, n then drifting slowly off to sleep.. waking to the sound of soft music n a clear sweet voice floating fr the not so sound proof practice rooms.. and to the sight of a boat chugging slowly across the singapore river. n wondering what it must be like to be in the boat.. to be part of such a wonderful picture.

And of course, happy lunch time date w siti suuue. where we did some frantic much needed catching up in betw snapping up plates of sushi. hehh. i still miss youu!

then there was NJ. decievingly similar. seems like nothing much has changed.. just different faces.. different sounds of laughter n chatter that float down the halls.. went w jill to nus to submit her portfolio. so cool lah, to be able to stand outside the sch of medicine n act like ur supposed to be there... heh.

And then another happy meal date w ching where we again attempted to do serious catching up n condense the past few wks of our lives into a conversation. hahah. (:

dropped by the temple to help paint boards for vesak day carnival too.. must say it looks pretty nice..paint splattered we were but victorious we emerged! heh. right, we just have lots more to go..

caught barney at bugis too! w our respective teddys n tinas. :D

arent i such the lucky bum? heh. i intended to rest this whole week away... but who can resist the company of such great ppl (: plus im starting work agaaaaain next tue.. man. there never is enough time to do everything huh. hopefully i'll recover the chunkkk of money i spent this wk!

yay im tired. n its a happy kind of tired (:

2006-04-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

oh, what's so fine, dear,
As a day of sunshine.
The storm is past at last.
The sky is blue and clear.

its heartening to know how many little angels there are around to be found. when u're tired, smothering in ur venom, frantically n somewhat vehemently building up blocking walls.. they slip unexpectedly behind you n just pat u on the head. or like the little hand, that slowly creeps into yours; startlingly reassuring, when you are blinded by everything else.

Despite shit happening, i feel good because i've realise thru this shit that a lot of people do care for me and i've realised that there's always something, someone.. to help to listen to care if you know where to look for it. sometimes we're so caught up in ourselves and our affairs that we fail to realise the fact that there are other ppl ard who do want to be let in n help if we would only let them. Being the stubbornly independent thing i am this comes harder but it felt nice this time (:

how gratifying. perhaps its not that hard after all.

anotherbend

2006-04-06T03:54:00.000-07:00

so..... i've just turned down two jobs.. yeah even though i've alr finished the 1 wk stint at my latest job and am jobless now.. i just said farewell to 800plus plus dollars! man tt was tough... but i cant complain. im exchanging money for my freedom! why not let money buy freedom... since it works in this case.

yeah so im freeeeeeee! no more stifling 9 to 5 jobs. inane filing n heavy duty hole punching. no more pantry small talk n jamming coffee machines and having to position my head in a certain angle so i can get some sneaky shut eye.

i've certainly learnt a few stuff abt working life... like if ur a sales girl, always always smile. even if it kills you.. the next person who comes along might very well be searching for a vacuum cleaner n happen to have 299 in their pocket.
but, if ur an admin assistant.. or clerical officer (wat a dumb name) try not to smile too much.. it invokes suspicion. yeahh.. stupid right, ppl were suspicious of me at first cos i smiled. i found out cos my ex colleague asked me why i was 'always happy' n said she was disconcerted at first.. heh. yeah ppl just arent tt frenly at work.. to protect themselves. and there's always some form politics gg on.. even a poor clerical officer like me get dragged into. hehh. but my colleague frens are all essentially gd ppl lah.. n its been interesting listening to them talk abt nappy rash (if they're young mothers) or sports car engines (the young men) or exchanging ideas on how to make more money.. n where to buy the best mysterious kueys in spore.. etcetc. quite funny really..

im gonna miss working tho.. some parts of it. it feels important. gives me the feeling that im doing something.. when actually im not doing anything that great. just earning money. heh. i mean its great to meet adults and new ppl n stand amongst them n feel whoaa im part of this whole working thing.. but seriously, how interesting can data entry n filing be? aft a while its all the same. hell, after 5 mins n im bored.. its nice observing the ppl at work n talkg to them.. n walk into places like the city hall toilet n see tons of office women crowding the mirrors touching up on their make up n drowning themselves in perfume. hahah. quite comical. all these little experiences tog make working interesting.. n it was nice. but a good chunk of the yr has passed.. 3 whole months! and i want a change. not really a change of job.. but a whole change of lifestyle.. something different...

i want to meander through the days like an unchatered river.. n just bury myself in books n doing whatever i like as n when i please! i want to spend my time doing other things... and knowing other things.. instead of just working for money.. i'll let money work for me a bit. yay so exciting! a jobless life aft 3 months of work n 3 jobs is like an adventure. and in a months time i'll be gg to germany. its all gonna be glorious. (: life is like all about choices n its up to us to grab them n make the most of it.. its so cool. for once in my life, im totally in charge of my own life! yeahhh (:

oh oh n look! new template! hahah. thanks to MARIA my fav PARIAH. heh. ur right... wat would my blog do wo uuu? :D

bumming days(:

2006-03-20T00:19:00.000-08:00

Today on my way home i stopped by 7 eleven, and there was this bent lady in front of me.. blocking up the queue. Apparently there's this get a disney badge promotion thing gg on n she's an avid collector.
she took out this huge disney folder n splayed it right across the counter.. there were TONS of disney badges all arranged nicely in it! the cashier n i both gasped at the same time. she wanted to get a badge she didnt have n told the woman she especially wanted 'Disney Princess' badges but was met w a curt 'Sorry aunty cannot choose'

you should have seen her.. the way she haltingly picked one fr the container, gingerly tore open the wrapper, and the way her whole face lit up when she saw she got Ariel. she flashed her toothless grin at all of us n i swear the light fr her smile ricochetted off the walls in the shop. or maybe it was just her golden tooth. heh. Then she carefully put her new badge in w the rest n began meticulously arranging them all. Till the cashier shook her head impatiently n barked 'Neeext!' did she shuffle away, holding the disney folder close to her chest.
and i had to listen while the cashier muttered under her breath about 'siao old women'

it seems like the time had come and gone when we could get excited over stuff like disney badges, get happy over ice cream or cry over a decapitated barbie. Perhaps we should all start wanting less, worrying less about the future and everything else.. n just be happy over the little pieces.. dissect these little pieces n the colours escape. but string them all tog n it becomes a whole colourful chain! (:

hahah. ok anw.. life's been pretty good.. [concg on the lil pieces here] i've been rolling around for 2 whole weeks! well almost. my well paid rest ends today.. n my new job starts thur! a 2 wk stint.. yaawn. its quite nice bumming. meandering thru the day.. doing whatever i want whenever i feel like.. watching gd movies end on end.. throwing myself into books.. snuggling in for naps.. staring at the ceiling watching the fan turn turn and turn. hypnotising. just watching the world go by n enjoying it all. mmmmmmm.(:
still, im glad this is temporary

fork

2006-03-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

how i wish i were one of those solitary travellers i saw in Paris last year. part of the faceless crowd.. fading in the rush.. alone but not lonely, unbound by the invisible but very persistent threads of 'appointments', 'duties' and 'have-to-dos'.
On your own, having to answer to no one else. slipping in betw the bustling lives of the 'useful' people.. just blending in. like a wallflower. the past is just simply the past, memories in their place.. thought of fondly without attachment. the future is.. non existent. simply because its not here yet.. whats to enjoy is whats left- the present. same cabin, same train, same destination.. but oh so many different stories. never quite planned, never quite finished..

yeah, it would be nice to be alone in this big big world sometimes. just living in the present, responsible for yourself alone.. your life, your ideals, your consequences. no one to consider, to judge, to suggest, to advice n deliver their well meaning opinions by the truckloads. answer to yourself alright, no questions asked, nor fingers pointed.

but lets face it, no one's truly alone. we were all born sociable creatures.. with the capacity to love and the need to be.. we didnt even come to this life on our own. we were.. expelled out of the mothership by er, our mothers. hahah.
Anw my point is, as cumbersome as it might be sometimes, there are people who do care what happens to u.. n our actions do affect them. to block that all out, renounce all ties n act like u dont care in order to do what u think u want... is silly n irresponsible to both parties. we all need support n to not admit that n facing up to it would be cowardly.

still, to be influenced n look your life through the eyes of others would be cowardly. a trap.
make my decisions for me will you... take the safe n sure path.. its more secure n would save me from the guilt should you take that leap and bruise too hard.

man, of late i feel as if there are thousands of voices yelling at me, telling me what to do.. actually there kinda are. and sometimes i cant even hear myself think anymore! which of these voices are mine? i know, but then i dont quite know. the clock is ticking.

Who exactly is the coward anw.. the idealist denying, afraid of reality.. or the one walking around with society's tag around the neck, living out society's expectations..

2006-03-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

ok its a friday today. wed has come n gone n we're all still alive! it was quite ridiculous actually.. in retrospect.. so drama. i made it a point to be sullen n stoic but it all fell through the minute i stepped into sch and saw all those people. it didnt help either, tt we met pj n the first thing she said was one person in our class might have failed gp.. n i thought there n then that i was the one! how very traumatising.

in the hall jill n i just clung to each other shaking like leaves.. not registering a word the woman on stage was saying.. w me occasionally blurting out something incoherent, frantically rejecting the calls of eager worried family members. temporary insanity it was. but no, i didnt faint or lose my head n start ramming myself into a wall. might have though if not for maria who was in front if me, appearing all cool, calm n steady. hahah.

as it is, i had to stare at the result slip a good minute n blink a few times before i registered what it said. not knowing what mr chan was babbling abt i dashed out of the door n rang my dad.. yelling YAY I DIDNT GET 3Cs! talking all fast n shrilly, the epitome of female hysteria. then my sis called n the same thing happened n it was only when i hung up to catch my breath that i realised i didnt quite know what i said to the both of them n couldnt quite remember what they said. hahah. wat a dumbdumb huh.

anw, im so terribly proud n happy for all of my frens. i guess luck and chance do have a part to play, but ultimately we reap what we sow.. n its so nice to see the hard work of my frens finally finally pay off. (: all of us did pretty ok.. i myself am kinda satisfied with my results.. its a vast improvement fr my dismal unpromising prelim grades.. heh. and its exciting to see something other than a C D E O F on my paper (: phew, wat a relief. Still, perceptions are like earth plates.. shifting as they please.. causing volcanoes and earth quakes. now all i can do is to be thankful n busy myself with the happy(?) problem of wat to do w my future.

Dreaded

2006-02-26T18:53:00.000-08:00

im typing this in betw entering boring data into complicated slides of microsoft excel. the office is sooo quiet! (: cos everyone cept my fren n i are somewhere else having a meeting. heh. yaaay. when i came in to find everyone gone for the morning.. we were so happy at our temporary freedom we started prancing ard talking n laughing loudly. hahah.

now im sipping some mysterious steamy hot chinese tea (aunty stuff) n huddling comfortably in my office chair. its soooo cold! even wearing my eskimo jacket doesnt work. think one day i shall risk ridicule n wear gloves n mufflers too. hahah.

on a not so bright side, The Dreaded Wednesday is approaching fast. at a speed of 147814094238971km/sec.. its descending on us wee helpless ones like thick black haze. some more than others.

im afraid of crawling into that hole again.. the way the blind and distraught would instinctly crawl to one. wanting to curl up and hug the pain inside.. prefering the anonymity, the facelessness of the darkness.
that deep deep hole where even the afternoon sun cant reach.. where its like being encased within a huge bell jar, the lungs get tired from the strain until there is no more and the pupils dilate to reveal nothingness like preserved specimens in darwins lab. vacant n soiled, festering in their own fluids.

ok im exaggerating again arent i. oh well, its not like darkness hasnt descended before.. how bad can it be? the touch of the sun brought by nice well meaning ppl would then feel like a scorch but ultimately lure one back out.. the sun will go on rising n setting like it always does. its gd to know our trials n tribulations are not that grave as it seems to be able to stop the world fr moving on.. n its even better to know that like our moments of joy, our moments of sadness n despair will also be temporary.

2006-02-23T21:18:00.000-08:00

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! just got back fr lunch break.. nice music is playing over the radio (class95) .. and there's only me and 2 other ppl in the office! feel like dancing ard n hugging the photocopier (: most of the 'big' ppl are still out having their lunch.. n my fren is having half day. out w her husband.. hahah. lucky thing.
yeah so, im feeling relaxed and happy! cos its a fri afternoon! (: and no one's gonna spoil my day -glares at certain ppl- heh. tho im not supposed to be slacking (can just imagine jay saying 'naughtynaughty u'll get caughty!').. have to zap 100 copies of this oversized report. in colour some more.. yaaawn. n call up some doctors agaaaaain. n laminate more stuff agaaaain. hopefully time will pass faster then. 530 530! tts the magic time. fooouuur more hours to my wkend (:

worknlife

2006-02-22T05:14:00.000-08:00

you know u're joined the aunty clan when you suddenly find yourself in the sweltering heat at jurong west, all hot and haggard, lugging two huge packs of toilet paper. heh.
was just trying to help this aunty who was enthusiastic bout toilet paper there being 50cents cheaper..
so we scrambled on to the shuttle bus late, whereupon she proclaimed (un)apologetically to the impatient passengers on board 'sorry ah! sorry ah! diarrhea lahh!' hahahah. how embarassing.. but aunties are cute, dont u think?

yeah so tts how most of my lunch breaks have been going.. boarding some shuttle bus to somewhere for a hurried lunch, walking ard 'shopping' aimlessly before boarding the bus back to the office.

work work workkkk. work itself is alright. its nice on certain quiet days when certain people arent in and its just me and my files or me and the hole puncher, or me and some machine... n im left to daydream on my own while appearing busy.. with good charlotte or whoever to keep me company. boredom can be conquered by day dreaming but when imagination runs dry it gets heavy..n i find myself in tortorous situations when i would lose consciousness temporarily n my head would droop perilously forward.
my colleague, another mother of two aunty next to me, keeps me awake with her funny gossip n her motherly ways. she keeps giving me motherly stuff to eat.. heh. and its quite surprising how well i get on with her when she's more than twice my age. thank gdness for aunties! hahah ok this is starting to sound like a Lets all Worship Aunties entry.

on some days, when more staff are in.. it gets interesting, to put it nicely. theres like a fashion parade! a whole flurry of young women clucking ard with their high heels and mini skirts n the office is suddenly chaotic, untill all im aware of are shrill voices n long rebonded hair. and i will have work chucked in my face over n over again with people breathing down my neck, pointing fingers n muttering snide remarks. heh.

oh well, 3 necessities to survive a day of work
- IMAGINATION: where i dream make plans n turn the ppl in my office into caricatures! n i start smiling to myself like a moron n snorting w suppressed mirth
- THICK SKIN: yes i put on my troll skin every morning. hurl insults at me n i'll just smile n go uh?
-HUMOUR: my aunty frens have me in stitches whenever we meet for lunch. hahah. they're the funniest ppl on earth.

still, cant imagine myself doing an admin office job for the rest of my life. i'll just shrivel up day by day untill im this lump of something. some dayyy, in the not so near future, when i get to leave this blue building... i'll be so happy! i'll run down the streets yelling free freee! i'll rest and roll around, sit at cafes to read talk all day.. n its gonna be great (: some day.......

for now, i live for lunch breaks! after work time! aaaand wkends!
oh n results are coming out soon..... yay. the sky is falling.

cny!

2006-02-04T02:10:00.000-08:00

yay its a saturday! alls right with the world! (: life's been treating me alright.. except for the sheer boredom of and the occassional 'pointing finger' scenarios at work.. but whatever. what happens in the office stays in the office. cny was quite ok.. a whole flurry of activities right down to the very last min. a whole cycle of visit eat visit eat play stupid games n watch ur angpow pile grow bigger!(: im now permanently bloated fr all tt food n suffering fr severe lack of sleep from all those parties n late nights out. heh. life can be pretty gd sometimes (:
great company (: on the ledge of my balcony.

at sentosa on the 2nd day. waaaaaaay too hot and crowded.

pebbles in her qi pao thing! cute riiiight!
first day morn was spent w my dads side.
the whole present tea to ur parent thing to show ur fillial. i managed to sprout 2 cheng yus! heh.
sparkles are so fun!

sparkles sparkles! w my mums side family. i love all my cousins! they're all so amusing! intentionally or not. had such a fun time playing stupid games n laughing w them. we were shouting so hard w laughter (WHAHAHAHAH!) my dad could hear us 10 houses away. hahah.

other stuff which i didnt get pics of were the visit to marias house n jill staying over. man we shld have more of these holidays! n yaaawn im too lazy to say anything else.

rootless

2006-01-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

i realise, that there are basically 2 kinds of sadness. the sudden outpouring of grief that takes one completely by surprise.. like the booming gush of blood that flows strong from a pulsating vein tt is freshly cut.. n u're suddenly in third person observing the scene, taken aback by tt sudden outpouring. like whoa, u mean i had so much blood?

then theres the withering kind of sadness. chills coming in torrents. gripping nostalgia n stark lonliness heightened by cloudy abandoned dreams and hope itself seems draped by lethargy.

i feel like a rootless floating...seaweed. dark dirty green, and all squiggly n slimy n stuff. hahah. compass-less n just getting tossed ard with the forces of the sea. all in all though, life's been alright.. despite the occassional bouts of 'sadness' tt comes fr missing an olympic pool size load of ppl, my mum included and etcetc.

works been okayy. i have the most glam job an 18 yr old girl can have man! heh. glam is my middle name (:

A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A VACUUM GIRL

-stand for hours on end shouting over the volume of the tv at random passers-by who (un)luckily happen to display an inkling of interest at the wheezing round thing on the table.

-waving beaming gesturing wildly and smiling like a halloween carved pumpkin

-hauling those heavyheavy things on n off the table at the whim n fancy of the customers

-resisting the urge to scream n yell 'BUY OR DIE!' when the hundredth person tells you 'i'll think about it' or 'i'll be back laterrrrr'

-being absolutely bored to tears

-going crazy w fellow colleauges(wat a strange word). we started thinking of ways to attract the attention of potential buyers.. coming up w idiotic tag lines, dancing stupidly to the music of the advert and taking turns to act as a fascinated customer exclaiming loudly the benefits of the product

-getting to meet all kinds of ppl. from kiasu aunties, old men, slightly psycho middle aged humans, expats, suit makeup LV bags clad executives, tourists fr south africa japan russia australia india korea germany etc. i think we got to talk to bout 200 over ppl a day.. how cool is that! (: the tourists are the most friendly.. can have real fun conversations w them. sometimes ending w a sales or a hearty CIAO! a huge russian even slapped me on the shoulder n i was so caught off guard i stumbled ard. hahah.
yep.. one of the best parts of the job is getting to interact w all kinds of ppl. even the weirdos tt pluck hair in front of me are interesting.. they each are such interesting stories!

- but the best part........THE PAY! hahah. yayyyyyy. theres nothing nicer after a loonnnggg hard day at work than running into the nearest store to shop! used a quarter of my day's pay to buy a nice skirt! (:

oh! and these 2 weeks have been so fun (: there's nothing sweeter than the pleasant surprise of discovering the blooming buds of new found friendships and nothing more heart warming than meeting up w old friends n further developing an always cherished friendship (: plus there was a class gathering at aarons too! hahah. cool pool, cool floating crocodile but not so cool baggy red shorts. heh. great company there tho (: and the dogsss! (charlie's angels) cute tiny cuddly things that make u wanna sit there n koochigooga them all day. heh. okay gotta slp before those sumo wrestlers reenter my eye bags. work does things to me..

2006

2006-01-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

whoa! its been a long time! a gazillion things have happened since the last time i've blogged.. a short span of a few wks.. yet i've managed to feel incandescently rapturous, morose, bounteous, pensive..been exasperated out of my mind, moved to tears on several occassions... and the list goes on. hahah ok before i start to make myself sound like some psychotic cow.. it has been a turbulent time fraught with radical changes, adjustments and events big and small bringing with them renewed hope.

Now, i just feel recharged refreshed and hopeful about the future. i feel.. bewitched by the prospect of all that empty hours ahead.. mine to make of, to explore and to fill up with happy memories and discoveries. this is like the only time where we get to take a reprieve from the regiment of school, a window away from the usual routine, and i intend to make full use of it.. turn time in my hands like a well polished stone in my palm. there's so many things i wanna do.. but im not gonna rush into anything. oh no no.. no more rushing for me (:

of course i know the year ahead, though filled with much possibilities, is not gonna be that easy. good and bad often come in pairs.. but i feel equipped to handle it. plus everything that has happened- the splendid christmas, vietnam holiday where i got closer to my relatives, the retreat and the reflections it brought forth, countless calls n meetings with friends... have made me feel really blessed. wherever, whoever i turn to... there has always been help n support available in varying forms of hugs smiles and simple comradeship.. even the times and fr the ppl i least expect it (: so thanks to all who have been in my life thus far! u prob made more of a difference than u thought u did. how can one not be optimistic then? so lets cherish the past present n future and say a big yay for the new yr! a bit late lah since its alr 5jan.. but YAY anw! hahah.

5 weird random stuff (in response to huiming n marias tag)
1) i have compulsive reading disorder! have borrowed like 20 bks fr the library alr since the As end and have been trying to read all of them at once
2) for some reason im damn blur sometimes so if i dont show signs of recognising u im not dao. i just didnt see u. heh.
3) i have plenty of comfy night gowns that i sleep in
4) i sing myself to sleep when im happy or bored
5) i make stuff for ppl n often forget to give them! hahah. man... i still have half written n unsent christmas cards..

a big HEY! to all who tagged- sokie,yihui,maria,huiming,xiaohui,debs,jill,sharm :]
oh and bcos my comp has some big monster virus i wont be online in forever.. my handphones working tho :)

2005-12-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

often we build walls around ourselves.. blocking out the very people who could have helped.

paris.uk

2005-12-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

hello hello hello! (:

the trip to europe was..eventful! we're went to the disneyland, eiffel tower, musee du lourve in paris and watched 2 musicals in london..phantom of the opera! and lionking. visited the roman baths, natural history museum, shakespeare's birthplace, anne hathaways cottage (we sat on the exact same seat shakespeare n anne sat in), warwick castle (where we skated), madam tussauds, oxford, windsor castle, stayed in a lovely english cottage farm n shopped more than we should have. quite an accomplishment for a group of 6 travelling on our own huh? (:

it was all so beautiful..n i was seriously enchanted by all that. wanted to not act tourisy but once we were actually there i abandoned all pretence n started snapping shots furiously, like a typical tourist. hahah. imagine looking up at the eiffel tower all lit up against the night sky.. n feeling the icy ruthless wind sweeping in waves at u.. n feeling happy for those crazily in love couples kissing all over the place.. it seemed like a natural thing to do there. just the sight of the eiffel tower can make anyone congenial in spite of the frigid cold. think even my organs were grinning :)

ok i could go on gushing in detail abt how great those places were n how exciting it was... but then it'll take too long n im too lazy. heh. sure the attractions n all were great but what i really liked most bout our trip was the 'realness' of it.

i love taking trains. hahah. we travelled in london n paris thru trains n the occassional cab. the train stations were so cool. the trains in paris have doors tt require u to open it by urself! n the walls of the train stations were filled w pretty graffitti. how cool is that. graffitti covering every inch of some walls in every train station. wow... i love staring at those complicated train maps figuring out where to go.. n then joining the hurried rush to the platform.. the pattering of urgent footsteps.. lovely music catchy tunes dispersing thru the stations by the many buskers.. i even like the stink of pee in some train stations. the train hurling thru the dark intestinal tunnels n rubbing shoulders w the locals on the squeezy trains.. listening to the unfamiliar waspy windy sounds of the french conversing.. n the cute british accents.. studying the cool characteristics of typical european features n observing their ways.

this is what i like.. getting behind the glitz of europe n a view of the lives of the locals, going amongst them n talking to them.. instead of sitting on a bus just viewing the city thru the windows like typical tour groups. train stations are the best! (: there is nothing affected about them.

it was also on one of these trains that my dad got picpocketed tho. hahah. they took his phone.. these 3 eatern europeans. so pro man.. the way they did it. we were all surrounding him n didnt noe they took something fr him.. my aunts kids camera got stolen too. hahah. oh n i left my phone behind.. they're nicely agreed to ship it over but i haven got it yet! another one of the worst moments of the trip was lugging the luggages ard.. fr the train stations n airport to the hotels. those shitcases were so bloody heavy! n aft that our hands all resembled lobster claws.

okay! this is getting too long. the trip to europe was great but im so glad to be home! missed everyone like crazy while i was away. been great to be able to meet up w frens n catch up online these few days (: but it seems like while my spore life has been stagnant. most have moved on.. lots of ppl are abroad n many have alr found jobs n have their life scope expanded. my life as i know it is unravelling bit by bit, by n by.. n i feel like sitting down n refusing to move! but things dont work that way.. the past is not to be dwelled in but cherished. i just hope that efforts to sustain n deepen friendships will prove worthwhile. perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder might be true after all.

meanwhile, something to remember:
christmas is coming!! :]

wintry warmth

2005-11-27T02:03:00.000-08:00

wow, its like over.
it can be so exciting... the wild abandonment kinda excitement that makes you wanna scream sing kiss someone because you're suddenly struck in the face by time, freedom, empty spaces stretching full in front of you.. yours to consume.. yours to make something of.. your life is finally yours to steer.. well at least for these few long glorious months anyway. (:

you awake to sunshine sweeping across your face like a gold spread, or otherwise to a little boy jumping on you giggling his head off.. and the day is full of fresh expectant happiness.
filled with promises of dreams unfufilled, but soon to be.
its the kind of life that is so bursting full of love that you might just very well in the sanest of minds, balance on the railings of ur balcony n then calmly step of the edge. boldy.. so rooted in certainty of life's beauty n promises that you.. feel like you can walk on air.

yes im a happy girl. already the trauma of the As seem like a rather distant nightmare. rather.
and im making plans.. with all the zeal, naive, perhaps idealistic wonderment. wow whee yipee. yet.... i feel kinda sad too. why? i dont know... we're been talking about 'after As' since the first day of school. straining at our ropes, bitting at air at the far away freedom. making dreams that were torn shaken uprooted by the threat of the next common test, and the next and the next. (we'll cross the bridge when it comes) and now that its gone.. we're manage to crawl out from under the fat gigantic troll that have been sitting on us.. 2yrs of school life cut abrupt.. i feel slightly lost.

it seemed like an eternity yet too fleeting. all that memories, what do i do with them? those lovely friendships that have found roots deep in my heart, where do we take it from here if anywhere? i have officially lost the right to get student discount meals.. giggle like a light headed school girl.. sit like a coffee shop uncle... etc. im not part of something else bigger anymore... not that i particularly enjoyed the nj cheers n activities. hahah. but they were okay. comfy stuff that grow on you.

and now that my life is mine to make, its kinda scary. its you, your life, your dreams, your consequences. exciting but scary. now that the bridge has come, i feel afraid to cross it. its these two conflicting emotions that make me feel.... numb. immobile under the assault of two opposing forces. i hate being afraid. its so ugggh.
who should i be.. the bright n sunny ohheckitallilovemylifenimgoingallouttoexperienceit or the ishallapproachwithcautionlestifallnbruisemyselftodeath?

2005-11-26T12:03:00.000-08:00

daisy days

the wooden people

2005-11-14T15:01:00.000-08:00

Adapted this story

THE WOODEN PEOPLE

The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village.

And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.
The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots. The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars.

Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star. Others, though, could do little. They got dots.

Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots.

After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason.

"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another.
"He's not a good wooden person."

After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them.

One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lulia.
It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lulia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either.

"That's the way I want to be," thought Punchinello. "I don't want anyone's marks."

hear hear! The As are making me feel terrible. i feel like some circus animal, caught in all that glaring lights n jarring noises, confused, hurt n wanting v much to retreat.. having to perform all sorts of fantastical tricks (look at me dear examiner! look at me! i can do this! i can do that! arent i amazing! am i A material?! am i woooooorthyyy?) just to let some faceless marker brand you worthy or not. uggggh.
but whose fault is it but mine? if i dont let those stickers stick then i wont be feeling this way.. i wont care if i messed up this or that as long as i tried my best. i wont care as long as i did my best even tho my best wasnt enough. i wont care if the examiner wrote 'buffoon' or 'jabbering idiot' on my paper.. nor would i care if he wrote 'wow, math goddess!'. lol.

boy, i've got a lot to learn. n i dont mean A level subjects.

2005-11-04T22:35:00.000-08:00

top eight songs of the day
hold on - good charlotte
time of your life- green day
superman- five for fighting
silent all these years- tori amos
if- bread
yellow submarine- the beatles
someday- sugar ray
why- avril lavigne

these songs have been on replay mode on my zen the whole day. nice thing.. to be able to listen to music n mug at the same time. besides, it blocks out the loud jarring empty echos in the house. yes....im alone again! dads on hol w ac again..this time in hong kong. sis is out again, having a life. so its just me, my maid, pebbles, and my angry uterus. how lovely! do i feel abandoned? why, of course not!

not that we've left totally alone though.. there's been a surge in visitors these few days.

ants! they've everywhere...drowning themselves in my cup, sneaking in betw my sheets of paper, tickling my arms n legs....uugh. i usually try to blow them away but others will somehow still find their way back! sheesh, they want to die isit. already theres been several accidental deaths n i feel like a mass murderer! :(

n flies! w huge wing things. swarming ard the lights, dive bombing me, parachuting into my food, molesting me.. n when their wings fall off its no better. masses of black wriggling things on every inch of the floor.... puuuke. do u not feel my horror?

and then there were monkeys. brown hairy lil things..loitering outside our kitchen.. balancing on the bars with their nimble feet. there were 2 of them. suspect they're a couple. hahah. thought they were quite cute at first but my maid didnt think so and started yelling 'stupid! naughty! shooo!' and the monkey just looked at her in mild surprise and stayed where it was. then my maid took out a broom n started waving it ard, whereupon the monkey still sat unmoving, regarding the broom n my maid with disdain. pebbles joined in n started barking n wagging her tail but they just shot looks of condescension at her. talk abt arrogance. only when my maid banged the bar with the broom did they abandon all pretence and swung away to the neighbours house where they managed to steal a starfruit before the maid there started shrieking n spraying them w water. so they fled, w a starfruit as a mark of their conquest. hahah. all throughout that day i listened to the maids gossiping bout the impudent monkeys. so amusing.

the As are here. speeding towards us head on, descending upon us like a dull red haze. siiiigh. all i want is to be able to say 'i did my best' and wash my hands clean after that.

2005-10-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

okay heres a clearer one.

2005-10-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

started drawing this pic extremely bored n grumpy but when twas done i just had to smile. note The Abused Child's scraggly dry hair, numerous battle scars, uneven eye size n notes flung away.supposed to be sad but its more cute huh, hahah. :)

nullism

2005-10-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

do you not see them?
them manacles
them us me manacled

cheer up, you say, and i try. i really do..but i cant. they've too heavy, its all too heavy. try stretching a smile and you'll see.. the skin splits in all directions. revealing yawning chasms. all together now, until thats all you see.

sigh i dunno why this onslaught now. its absurd, the happier i am the sadder i am. or maybe it isnt absurd. after all, the happier things were only makes it end more sad right? if only i would listen to my brain more often n not my heart.. it wont be so much of a yo yo then.. but then again it wont be much of anything else.
right now i feel as if life is one big conrad story. obscure obscure! and all tt..altogther too fleeting.

its not just one thing but a whole jimjam of stuff.. n its not meant for u to understand either. u cant try and grab haze. perhaps next time when i can i'll talk abt it. all i can do now i guess is to thank my frens and ppl who've been my willing crutch n pillow these yrs n esp these past few months n more. calling me up n msging to check on me when i hit low is sweet..i really appreciate it.
almost is nothing, but these close packed intense periods of growth, put to gd use is something :]

2005-09-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

pebbles! isnt she the coolest dog in the world! hahah. sorry i couldn resist.

2005-09-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

us b4 swimming in the freezing girls bathroom

2005-09-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

us at tt lil pool lazing ard n chatting (:

2005-09-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

(: spent the better half of the day rolling ard on the bed reading all my lib books! if only i can do this on a weekly basis...life would be so heavenly then.

went town yest to orchard lib to borrow books..devourdevour. heh. then stopped by artfriend. tt place is so cool! k not really lah, its just i haven been in an art shop for damn long n art shops are cool! so many things to see so many things to try so many things to make! can spend like 3 hrs there n not realise it. do u noe theres puffy paint where u can bake the paints n make it puff! n theres edible spongebob stuff too! plus all tt diff colours n glittery fabric..mmm. hahah.

anw i bought lotsa stuff.. to make for ppl n decorate my stuff. so dont be too surprise if i drop u a gift sometime.(: bought a charcoal pencil too.. i've a fascination w charcoal pencils. so black n strong. love seeing the black smudges on my fingers aft some drawing :] yaaaaay. if post prelims is so fun i cant wait for after As!! its exciting. the utter freedom of having time on ur hands n doing wat u want to, not what u need to. i think i would be so full of love for life that i'll be bursting at the seams. :]

went club w sokie on fri too. had a splendid time! felt good to do something physical again. hahah. swam, played table tennis, bowled. oh n we tried pool. it was hilarious... hahah. balls were jumping all over the place n the white ball kept insisting on gg in. plus we were real clumsy w the stick. hahah. but whatever, we had fun anw. (: ohh n we had a gross encounter w a bunch of guys in the pool. hormonal prepubescent guys. you would think w a big pool we could all do watever we want happily in peace but no...they had to come over n peep at us behind the bush. n one of them was like: 'xiaojie, my fren ask u come play w us.' how beng. we were like properly horrified n totally ignored them. lol. quite rude lah...oops. but seriously i was too appalled n grossed out to say anything.

well, if anything at least they had 'courage'.. rough, unglam courage but still courage. lol. i always thought its gd to have a guy who's open so u noe where u stand.. unlike guys tt play weird confusing games. but sometimes it comes out all wrong.. there must be discretion in being frank and a mysterious charm but yet not holding back too much. but above all a guy must have guts. wats a guy wo guts? or even if he's wo guts he shld have the guts to admit he's gutless. like darling seth n hugh grant. go watch hugh grant in love actually! he's so cute. hahah. the guy i would want to marry must be interesting. so when i wake up every morn i can go like WOW. hahah k i better stop b4 i blurt out sth stupid n go fr bad to worse.
jills coming over to stay! cant wait (:

im shutting u up in tt tiny bottomost drawer of mine n hurling the key away. its sucking away my energy n i dont need tt right now. if its meant to be the key might float back, if not, so be it. life has much other things in store for me.

2005-09-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

a symbol of my freedom! albeit temporary. yaaay! 5 days of non stop fun! :))

2005-09-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

isnt it sad that religion draws quite a clear line betw pple who would otherwise have been very good frens? i guess its understandable in the sense tt religion forms the base of lifes big questions, n so its natural to think tt u'll gel well w one who has the same understanding, same view of life.. but is it necessary, is it right, is it fair to strike someone off ur list just bcos tt person is not of the same religion as u? is it right tt in ur eyes, tt person, (oh tt Blasphemous One!) is no longer as impt, as cherised as say ur frens w the same religion? like sheeeeesh. u dont write pple off or lower ur opinion of them just cos they've different. ok whatever, im fighting a losing battle here. there was this guy once whom i liked n the feeling was mutual but nothing could come out of it bcos he 'only dates christians'.

i used to think tt bcos of all this religious stereotype thing my circle of frens was limited. i still kinda do when i see pple being judged bcos of their religion n bear the brunt sometimes.. but my teacher told me its them who's circle is limited, not urs. hmmm..
im just glad tt some of my other frens are not so narrow minded. i guess it is them who really matter then.

anw prelims are shit. n todays math paper was like the shits of all shits. yawwn. wats new huh.

2005-09-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

there's something therapeutic (and unproductive) bout studying at home.
rolling ard on the bed.. snoozing in betw pgs of bio notes.. lying flat on my back staring at my nice blue ceiling, just thinking thinking thinking.. nth study related.
taking a cool shower n then sitting all wet on my balcony ledge staring out at some bird w a yellow chest, notes lying forgotten again on my lap. singing loudly to my zen songs wo anyone listening. laughing at random funny things tt float in n out of my mind.. doodling all over my desk.. n of course! the wonderful conversations i have w my maid. hahah. she gave me interesting insight into the 'dos n donts of a maid in spore' while sighing n shaking her head at the pic of the murdered maid. n we talked abt our dreams.. she wants to earn lotsa money then get married n stay at home to look aft her kids. wat a nice easy dream.. free fr all tt expectations. n i told her wat a lucky woman she was, while glaring resentfully at my stats book. lol. maybe i shld be a maid! a happy maid like her. but then again i dont do the whole handling slimy fish n chicken thing. ohwell.... all i can say is she's found her place in the world so she's happy. guess i shld find mine soon. then i'll be happy too! :] all i noe for sure my place isnt amongst the fiery chasms of thick smelly rotting notes, math formulae n all that SHIT.

2005-09-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

the nice view fr my balcony. (: if u look closely u can see the templein the dist.

2005-09-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

jill n pebbles on my bed

2005-09-08T20:24:00.001-07:00

pebbles being lazy

2005-09-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

cedar tees!

2005-09-03T02:55:00.000-07:00

sharm n i saw lotsa cute lil ang moh kids today. i wanna have lots n lots of kids next time! k not tt many.. maybe bout 3.. to cuddle n love. set up my own nice n cosy family :] but for now i've got pebbles! hahah.

passion pursuit day was so cool! thought it was gonna be a flop but it turned out to be pretty interesting. its amazing, the kind of talents there are amongst our teachers.. teachers tt could rap real fast, play rock music, n others tt could sing opera, compose really gd songs, song writers.. n they shared their stories on how their passion came abt.. how they pursued it. we were all like wow.. who knew these grp of seemingly normal pple could be such interesting individuals? it has inspired me to want to do something more.. more things! n i've alr compiled a list of stuff i wanna do aft the As n beyond (: its never too late, life is wat we make of it. still, i feel resentful tt ive to put my life on hold now.. all this oppressiveness n restrictions have made me appreciate n yearn for the freedom tt would come w e end of the As more. oh well, all in good time..

been talking to several pple bout religion nowadays.. seems like lots of pple are interested in buddhism too. wow.. pleasant surprise. all these while i thought i was an oddity. all my frens, pple my age i knew all seemed to flock towards christianity. i cant say i wasnt tempted.. there were times when i felt like gg to see wat it was all about. n my frens were ever so persuasive too.

but my mum convinced me to give buddhism a try first before i explored other religions.. so i did. attended all tt classes w a bunch of kids who only spoke chinese. at first it was only to appease my mum but then i just learnt more n more stuff.. n these stuff made sense to me too. i could identify w it, it applied to life.. the life i knew. still, i had my doubts then.
my mums death exactly 2yrs ago made me turn to buddhism more.. it was a turning pt of sorts. suddenly i had to put wat i learnt into practice. all tt stuff bout impermance, learning to let go etc. even now, 4 yrs aft i first knew abt buddhism i feel like i can hardly call myself a buddhist. a striving buddhist more like it. im grazing the tips of wat is a very vast n deep ocean. n i cant say i've been trying hard enough either.. busy caught up the dumb routines of life. the teachings in buddhism are also pretty hard to put into practice.. cos im like super imperfect n stuff. but oh well, if the aspiration is there, nths impossible. (: n the knowledge tt other pple are too striving is helpful too. :]

2005-08-31T07:01:00.000-07:00

isnt it apt, that the song 'I'll Stand By You' is sung by The Pretenders?

2005-08-31T07:00:00.000-07:00

HAHAH. happy birthday mer! grow up please (:

2005-08-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

i feel so tired. its a weariness i cant explain. not just physical but mental... emotional. it feels as if i've been threading water for way too long out in an open sea wo anything to cling on to to stay afloat n each day the shore doesnt seem to be in sight and the waves throw me about like some sick tossed vessel. bang bang. again n again.

this is not a result of random bad days but more of a culmination of all kinds of...shit(?) i dunno, no word seems to fit. i guess u just cant run away fr some things. u can pretend its not there, it didnt happen.. u can pretend its not u really, like u've just watching someone elses soap opera unfold fr a distance.. distant n unattached.. but u cant deny the undercurrents that run so strong n ultimately they catch up w u. they catch up w u.

'what ifs' are a disturbing thing. its unhealthy to dwell in the past n things tt cant be change but it too is hard not to given circumstances. wat if i did this instead? wat if i had chosen that? wat if it didnt happen? wat if she didnt leave? why are we like that now? how how how? pointless qns tt no one can ans. have to burn that wat if bridge before it burns me. the only place to go is forward.. right?

i think i've judged my dad too harshly. i realised today. its prob not any easier for him than it is for us.. prob even harder. its just smtimes he's just a clueless twit, w tt brusque manner..plus all tt stuff he does.. it feels as tho hes just a basic needs provider. nothing more.. just escaping into his own private world n slamming the door shut behind. n i didnt do much to help either. caught up in our own problems..each dealing w it the best we can.. u would think tt aft 2yrs it would be better.. tt only the first few mths perhaps would hurt? apparently not. seems like now n onwards is the true test. mental, emotional, spiritual adaptation. today, he said stuff tt he's never said b4.. tt showed tt he was just as weary as i am.. tt he too secretly acknowledges how cracked up we are underneath the facade of our ohsohappy lifestyle. it scared me tt im not the only one not in control.. if hes not too then who is? n i wanted to say something back but i couldnt.

how can i pluck out an endless field of weeds? the shattering so (sur)real

2005-08-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

bah wat a lousy day. what w e last min decision not to go for colours cos sev pple bailed, e sudden cancellation of plans w chews cos we decided we were too sleepy to meet up, rude bus drivers n a brush w a pervy shuffleshuffle guy on e bus.
tt guy's seriously scary.. he took the same route as me. fr sch all the way to macritchie n then boarded 166 aft me.. n all the time he kept shooting sidelong glances at me grinning to himself. n on 166 he stood really close to me n i could feel his breath on me! had to hold my breath several times. couldnt wait to get off at my stop but the bus was crawling n jerking.. n w each jerk he jerked closer to me :/ then to my horror he suddenly grabbed the book i was holding n then quickly let go, claiming w a sheepish smile tt he thought i was gonna drop it. like wth? then when it was finally my stop he whispered 'byebye' w a creepy grin n i almost puked. mustered the most frosty smile i could but it came out more like a grimace n ran off the bus. phew.. seriously creepy. think he was either in his early 30s or late 20s. eww eww eww. :(

ooh i've a big bruise on my knee fr playing cricket! hahah. think it makes me look more man. crickets quite fun actually..think a bunch of excited girls brandishing bats, swinging wildly n screaming hysterically, jumping n running like hyper squirrels when one of us manages to bat. hahah. only thing is the bats rather heavy..

if theres one thing i cant stand its spiteful horridly self absored individuals. and its even worse when they try to cover it up by trying to act nice. like when someone sets off fireworks to distract the rest n meanwhile stabs u in the face n turns ard n says i love u! suddenly in a bright chirpy voice. its sick. n of late i feel like im meeting more n more snotty lil sycophants.. the worse thing is tt they've my frens too n i've just seen this side of them. gruesome awakening. or more like i've always kinda seen this side but pretended not to. its easier to deal w stuff when u pretend it doesnt exist. but no one can be all tt bad right.. perhaps they have their own sets of insecurities tt makes them behave this way.... perhaps. but tts no excuse. aaargh :( its silly to get all affected but i cant really help it. toleratetoleratetolerate.

what would life be like if we all shed our pride?

2005-08-13T04:20:00.000-07:00

pebbles in her qi pao. hahha

2005-08-13T04:05:00.000-07:00

wat a lazy saturday. initially had plans to go study w theo n ching at changi but they were squashed cos my dad yelled GOT A HOUSE TO STUDY GO OUT SO FAR FOR WAT. n normally i would have argued but i've been gg out way too often recently so i decided to obey his orders. left him to rant n tuned out.. only catching bits of phrases, priorities!....discipline! blahblahblah. i noe all tt but sometimes one does have to take a breather right. n its not like i dont try to study.. its just really hard to keep awake. on wkdays esp.. by the time its 1030 i'll feel as tho 2 sumo wrestlers are resting on my eyelids n then my brain turns to moosh n i just drift away fr the conscious world. :( maaan i really gotta try harder to stay awake!
k this is a pointless entry. merely had to work off my restlessness. toodles.

2005-08-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

i so love my dad sometimes (:

2005-08-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

no relevance but reminds me of char n i in our childhood days

2005-08-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

pretty amusing games (:

2005-08-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

lol. seniors farewell. sb me victoria n dora :]

2005-08-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

many a friendship have gone down as a result of wat seemed like scary hints of 'something more'. peals of laughter have turned into half-grimace smiles, comfortable silences into ive-simply-got nth-to-say-to-yous.. words held back, stories unshared. what would have been a comfortable perhaps growing friendship now gone stale, misty n empty..
perhaps its too late?

would u rather feel sad or empty? in retrospect, i think i rather feel something then sit there thinking bout the what-might-have-beens. ohh wellll..when u miss a boat, another one comes right?

not necessarily.

2005-07-27T02:13:00.000-07:00

it is not the swirling debri, bishbish bangbang crashcrash that is apallingly frightening,
but the silence and emptiness that resides when the dust settles.

this past few days i seem to click on n off sullen 'depression' mode.. till i again constantly forget to count my blessings. so wat if your dads a pressure cooker, ur results suck n there dont seem to be a hole for improvement? u still have blahblahblahblah blah blah blah right? heh. nice try.
still, failure is not an option.. i wont allow it to be. n i guess i'll just have to learn to live up to my expectations n mine alone. gotta dump those stupid baggages, burn those bridges n force myself thru.

oh Strength! be my fren! heh (:

2005-07-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

yay had a really great day yesterday (: im 18!! whoohoo. mature me :] so fast.. before i know it i might evolve into an old hag. hahah.

i've got so much to say tt i guess i shant say anything much after all.. let the pics speak for themselves. just feel really blessed tt i have such great frens n family who all put in effort to show they care n make my eighteenth a special day for me.

all tt stuff... aunts n cousins organised a small party for me at grandads on fri.. it was nothing extravagant but filled w warmth n laughter..
then on sat, char n na treating me to lunch at the soup spoon...
then met up at amk w sy n sally for awhile.. n they tried to give me a surprise w the cake but i kinda suspected it when they started acting all suspicious.. hahah. and the presents....nth expensive but it shows tt much thought has been put into it... oh man! i feel so happy its kinda scary. hahah. its nice to know tt pple do bother to care even w their own busy lives.. n tho the tides of life are always changing, bringing along different things, some things like the love of an old good fren will be likely to stay.
n at night went esplanade w sharm n jill. ate at nooch bar first where i occasionally had to tick them off for their (tsk) juvenile behaviour. heehee. it was all so cool. the atmosphere at the esplanade esp (: tho the place was riddled w wierd punks tt kept yelling at us for some reason.

bah all this writing down cant seem to say anything. it was just a really special day. thanks alot to all those who wished me! :]

2005-07-24T01:40:00.000-07:00

the cake sy n sally gave me! :]

2005-07-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

the pillar very nice

2005-07-24T01:27:00.000-07:00

yuuum

2005-07-24T01:26:00.001-07:00

bairy n barney twins!

2005-07-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

jill n i at the esplanade

2005-07-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

barney

2005-07-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

dinner with carnivorous jill n sharm. [she forgot there were utensils]

2005-07-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

and again!

2005-07-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

SIN YAN and SALLY (belly!) :)

2005-07-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

at soupspoon w na n char. mmmmm.

2005-07-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

all my cousins!

2005-07-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

at granddads. cake baked by aunt patt :]

2005-07-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

baby darren! aka beanbean (: