Wednesday, May 02, 2007
i am hungry for truth.
cold soft warm hard blazing truth; one that permeates deep and strong
an absence of it feels..empty and unsettling. i would distrust anything that doesnt/cant seem real to me. its all or nothing. of course certain gambles have to be taken but if it looks set to be a lie, then it has to go.. painful or not.
i guess u can say im unforgiving, difficult, or an 'extremist'.
maybe. but tts how i've learnt to deal with things, and it has helped me be strong.
when i was a young girl, kept awake by certain problems that seemed huge, i would wrap myself up w the blanket like a cocoon and clutching my bolster, i would stare at the spinning fan until i fell asleep.
if the chasm was too bid for the hypnotic spinning fan, i would tiptoe to my parents' room and slip in between them. sandwiched betw their two rigid backs, i would feel safe. no problem was too big to be solved by the warmth from two solid backs. two walls of certainty, two walls tt were real, that were true.. no matter how
crazy the rest of the world seemed.
i dont know when i stopped seeking refuge between their sleeping backs, but i know that time is long gone. we cant seek refuge anywhere else but in ourselves.
things evolve, people change. and thats why i want truth.. something that is real, that is constant. something i can count on.
sure, there are people, friends here and there that we can count on, but only for a while. things evolve, people change.
how are we to find truth in a world where things are always changing. one moment something you might truly believe in, something that you feel is part of your reason for being, could change and what seemed like was real, was true..turns out to be otherwise. a lie, only masked by temporal truth.
that doesnt stop me, and i believe quite a number of others too, from seeking truth.. in the hope that maybe this 'truth' would be true. maybe there is the chance that there is something, someone you can count on to be real.. to say it like they mean it. to show it like they mean it. to be what they say they are. maybe.
after all, no matter how we try to convince ourselves, the truth that we can only count on ourselves alone is truly a tough pill to swallow.
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dreamed.at .|. 11:45 PM