Tuesday, March 06, 2007
what's that you say?
Its disconcerting, the way things creep up on you when u least expect it. leaving your head reeling as if you've sampled too much wine, the wind knocking it all out thoroughly like a clean break. letting the silent chasm peek out again, for a while but not quite closing..till later.
A painful reminder of past beautiful days, when things felt more sure, when the sky was more inclined to be blue, and possibilities seemed endless. (only it was not appreciated then, as is the case most of the time untill its gone and too late)
How can things that have felt so right, took decades to build collapse just like that. the world disintegrating right in the palm of your hand, slipping through ur powerless fingers. but never mind that.
what i dont get is how the past never ever stops having that hold on you. when much calculated effort has been put into accepting, letting go, embracing the new...moving on. its like a jack in the box, the past. jumping out suddenly and gripping you tight, snatching the air you were planning on inhaling. you know somehow that it will jump out from time to time... but still you are shocked everytime it jumps out, and even more so by the impact it still manages to leave.
everytime it jumps out its so vivid.. and leaves an inconvenient sense of longing. Snippets of then make the present pale in comparison for a minute or two before reality sets in again. perhaps this is due to the past and present still being unreconciled. its not been the smoothest and transitions arent the easiest things. For now strength and equanimity needs to be built up on again while the chasm takes its time to close and jack gets settled down again in its box. hopefully with time and more time it wont hit as hard when jack springs again from the box and i would be able to look at it like an old friend and smile quite fondly.. the past and present a strong stream.
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dreamed.at .|. 5:58 AM