Sunday, November 27, 2005
wintry warmth
wow, its like over.
it can be so exciting... the wild abandonment kinda excitement that makes you wanna scream sing kiss someone because you're suddenly struck in the face by time, freedom, empty spaces stretching full in front of you.. yours to consume.. yours to make something of.. your life is finally yours to steer.. well at least for these few long glorious months anyway. (:
you awake to sunshine sweeping across your face like a gold spread, or otherwise to a little boy jumping on you giggling his head off.. and the day is full of fresh expectant happiness.
filled with promises of dreams unfufilled, but soon to be.
its the kind of life that is so bursting full of love that you might just very well in the sanest of minds, balance on the railings of ur balcony n then calmly step of the edge. boldy.. so rooted in certainty of life's beauty n promises that you.. feel like you can walk on air.
yes im a happy girl. already the trauma of the As seem like a rather distant nightmare. rather.
and im making plans.. with all the zeal, naive, perhaps idealistic wonderment. wow whee yipee. yet.... i feel kinda sad too. why? i dont know... we're been talking about 'after As' since the first day of school. straining at our ropes, bitting at air at the far away freedom. making dreams that were torn shaken uprooted by the threat of the next common test, and the next and the next. (we'll cross the bridge when it comes) and now that its gone.. we're manage to crawl out from under the fat gigantic troll that have been sitting on us.. 2yrs of school life cut abrupt.. i feel slightly lost.
it seemed like an eternity yet too fleeting. all that memories, what do i do with them? those lovely friendships that have found roots deep in my heart, where do we take it from here if anywhere? i have officially lost the right to get student discount meals.. giggle like a light headed school girl.. sit like a coffee shop uncle... etc. im not part of something else bigger anymore... not that i particularly enjoyed the nj cheers n activities. hahah. but they were okay. comfy stuff that grow on you.
and now that my life is mine to make, its kinda scary. its you, your life, your dreams, your consequences. exciting but scary. now that the bridge has come, i feel afraid to cross it. its these two conflicting emotions that make me feel.... numb. immobile under the assault of two opposing forces. i hate being afraid. its so ugggh.
who should i be.. the bright n sunny ohheckitallilovemylifenimgoingallouttoexperienceit or the ishallapproachwithcautionlestifallnbruisemyselftodeath?
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dreamed.at .|. 2:03 AM