Friday, August 26, 2005
i feel so tired. its a weariness i cant explain. not just physical but mental... emotional. it feels as if i've been threading water for way too long out in an open sea wo anything to cling on to to stay afloat n each day the shore doesnt seem to be in sight and the waves throw me about like some sick tossed vessel. bang bang. again n again.
this is not a result of random bad days but more of a culmination of all kinds of...shit(?) i dunno, no word seems to fit. i guess u just cant run away fr some things. u can pretend its not there, it didnt happen.. u can pretend its not u really, like u've just watching someone elses soap opera unfold fr a distance.. distant n unattached.. but u cant deny the undercurrents that run so strong n ultimately they catch up w u. they catch up w u.
'what ifs' are a disturbing thing. its unhealthy to dwell in the past n things tt cant be change but it too is hard not to given circumstances. wat if i did this instead? wat if i had chosen that? wat if it didnt happen? wat if she didnt leave? why are we like that now? how how how? pointless qns tt no one can ans. have to burn that wat if bridge before it burns me. the only place to go is forward.. right?
i think i've judged my dad too harshly. i realised today. its prob not any easier for him than it is for us.. prob even harder. its just smtimes he's just a clueless twit, w tt brusque manner..plus all tt stuff he does.. it feels as tho hes just a basic needs provider. nothing more.. just escaping into his own private world n slamming the door shut behind. n i didnt do much to help either. caught up in our own problems..each dealing w it the best we can.. u would think tt aft 2yrs it would be better.. tt only the first few mths perhaps would hurt? apparently not. seems like now n onwards is the true test. mental, emotional, spiritual adaptation. today, he said stuff tt he's never said b4.. tt showed tt he was just as weary as i am.. tt he too secretly acknowledges how cracked up we are underneath the facade of our ohsohappy lifestyle. it scared me tt im not the only one not in control.. if hes not too then who is? n i wanted to say something back but i couldnt.
how can i pluck out an endless field of weeds? the shattering so (sur)real
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dreamed.at .|. 8:15 AM