Wednesday, May 04, 2005
letting go
is it really necessary to be the best. must success or intelligence/worthiness be based on ones achievements? why do we have to measure ourselves this way? maybe its bcos we are judged this way.. but then again pple judge this way maybe bcos they've judged like tt too. what a sick relentless ominous clanking cycle. but thats life..sadly :/
today my dad was ranting n yelling at us the whole way in the car to sch. wanted to just get out of the car but we were on the highway. he was so mad.. n truthfully i do get his point but tts no reason to raise his voice early in the morn. was gg on and on abt how my sis n i have
no ambition, no will to strive.. how we must always at all times strive to be the best, to be the top. to fight kick backstab bite till we get what we want. be focus, do things only if their useful, wat u want is of secondary. fit in w the times! move w the times! be the best! play smart! dont be a honey-bee worker! an ordinary low salary worker! i noe wat hes driving at n it does make sense tt whatever we do we must give it our all n whatever we want we must strive for it but i loathe the tone in which he says all this. he scorns the ordinary, the honey-bee workers, the pple lower down the line..
do u wanna be like them? work so hard n earn so little? take all the shit fr the boss n cant do anything abt it? and he takes all my aspirations n smash them to nothingness.
'are u sure u wanna do tt? dont be stupid. only earn so little.' yadayada. and he has all these "perfect" dreams for us.. that i can never, never measure up to. n ive no desire too either. bcos tts not what i want! tts not where i wanna see myself. i wanna live for myself! wats life abt if u do smth u hate? so we'll have these loud arguments in the car [1of e rare times i act have the chance to talk to him] and often, always it'll end w him hinting not so subtly at my deficiencies, my many lackings n therefore my unworthiness. i noe enough not to let it damage me too much but oh if only he'll learn tt i am trying to do everything the best i can n im not his puppet!
i love my dad n i want him to be proud of me, really i do. but just cant measure up to his stupid ideals n wat he wants for me its just not me. im not gonna give in n i'll do wat i think its best for me whether he likes it or not.. n if i make some wrong move n screw up all over the place then so be it. at least i took a leap n i'll deal w it.
wish she were here to neutralise this destructive acidity.
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dreamed.at .|. 5:59 AM