Saturday, April 09, 2005
will of steel.
never underestimate the power of words. esp kind words. this past wk ive realised tt there are actually alot of pple out there who do care. n love n support is often around tho sometimes it seems like theyve absent. hugs exchanged, words of encouragment, expressed confidences, words of advice... even fr pple whom i hardly noe or barely said more than 2 sentences to. hahah.
thanks guys :)
my family also grew my close knited n we all did our best to help n support each other. esp in the interests of my granddad. poor guy. he shuts himself up most of the time n its hard to really help. breaks my heart to see him limping down after supported my 2 of my aunts during the sending off. i want to do something. helplessness is unbearable.
yet often it seems like the pple u expect support fr most lets u down.. when i sought advice n rang my dad up..he was like 'ah yah drop la drop lah. up to u. u want u go drop. go go! u cant manage one lah.' boy im touched by his absolute unwavering faith in me. made me feel much better. yeah i got so pissed i hung up on him. n refused to have anything to do w him or go near him for some time. he obviously doesnt care vmuch so i just have to depend on myself n make my own decisions unguided. after all its my life n my consequences to live with. right. why shld he care? ive to start growing up.
oh well but hes actually okay at times.. guess hes just like all dads/guys are.? Insensitive. possibly w an emotional range of a teaspoon. hahah. we went to queensway today to buy my new shoes! pink adidas. :) n then headed to ikea where my sis went totally crazy n grabbed every thing tt looked remotely nice n dumped it in the trolley. sheesh tt girl needs some self restraint. hahah. if she had to manage her own finances she'll be bankrupt in a day. hooray. im proud to say i was a wee bit better. got some pretty cute stuff too :)
jills coming over tml to get my stats notes cos the clever heaver left hers in sch. hahah. man i dun wanna go back to sch...the thought of work n all is....-shudders- even my innards are quivering w repulse. n i have to really really really work my guts out. esp since i managed to flunk like 2 outta 4 of my subjs fantastically. :( wth is wrong w me?! feel like a stupid piece of shit. yeah so i have to work my guts out.. but the qn really is will it help? i thought i did study for those darn cts.. thought. i did didnt i? if tt wasnt studying wat is? but its just horrible.. to have to fling those 0s n fs...those failed attempts. fling them aside to join the rest of the other failed attempts. they say failure is a stepping stone to success. if tts the case then theres way too many stepping stones for me n no success stone in sight. sigh. i really appreciate others who have tried to help but they cant really. not tt much anw. it has to come fr me. ive just gotta work REALLY hard. n somehow someway at the end of the day, be able to say 'so there!' not just to my dad but to myself..tt inner self doubt demon roaring tt im stupid.
i need a will of steel.
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 4:52 AM