Saturday, April 02, 2005
of life..... and death.
why does it always happen? it is said that one bad thing always follows another.. trials n tribulations always come together.. like unfortunate events happen in a series. n just when u think a wave has passed yet another and another and another one comes. there is some form of joy in betw of course but it seems like such a tiny thing to cling on to.
its just shocking.. i was sad at first but now i just dont noe wat to think or feel anymore.. i feel strangely stoic. its like b4 something terrible happens... u have the feeling tt it would happen. subconciously u feel/realise tt things are not gg as well as it seems.. n tt its just not right. but we carry on w our lives per normal. in a kind of self denial n complacently hoping yet again.
what makes death so upseting is its finality. sad bcos of all the things undone unsaid n unshowed. sad bcos pride n our busy schedules got in the way... n even tho we always say live ur life w no regrets.. do wat u wanna do..express urself... ur feelings. show ur vulnerability n allow pple to get close to u to help u n u in turn help them... its just hard.
i regret this i regret that. i regret the little acts of love i took for granted. the yrs of neglect.. not showing enough support enough love. i regret not being able to overcome my stupid self to do what i so badly needed to do n shld have done. n sadly i still cant do it even now.. i am so stupidly human yet so robot-like.
durg lit tut whitby asked when did u first know tt u were gg to die? i mean since young we've been taught tt we'll all eventually die rite. but i guess its when u actually see someone dying, actually exp losing someone, esp someone close to u then do we really realise. the finality. tt death would one day come for us.
now im worried for my granddad.. hes been pretty down of late. n now this.. often its the pple who are left behind tt suffers. imagine the horrible bleakness, the big gaping hole. the sleepless nights the nights spent curled up n shivering in one corner in denial w glassy eyes wide open tears streaming down images playing round n round. dwelling on the if-onlys n what-might-have-beens. imagine the empty space on the other side of the bed, rushing home to tell someone bout ur day n share ur life..only theres no one anymore. i really empathise w him. n its not like the rest of us arent upset over her/their death.. but i think it hits him the hardest. losing his fav daughter n his wife in just a short span of 2yrs. n old folks dont really have the 'luxury' of being busy n get burried in sch or work. oh please, help him to be strong. n i pray tt my grandma is some place safe n tt shes at peace. i still remember b4 they left to seek treatment in china, my grandma came to give me a pat on the back n told me to rest more n eat more. n always when i go there for dinner i would shovel my food down n rush back home..even tho i knew she liked us staying there longer liked us being there for just awhile more. im just too caught up w myself. n she would worry in tt cute way of hers over the littlest stuff. like whether my sis n i are eating enough sleeping enough. whether we shld get a haircut cos hair is covering our eyes etc. n she would buy chocs n stuff tt she think we like to eat for us. these past 2yrs have not been easy for her.. w her health deteriorating, having lapses of too low sugar intake. it really scared all of us too. as i went up the slope after hearing the news i was afraid to look. felt a sense of de ja vu tt made me sick to the stomach..almost expected to see tt great black tent hanging over the little house again. who noes wat little-death will life bring next... i just dunno wat to think feel expect anymore. pls let them be safe n happy tog.
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dreamed.at .|. 7:12 AM