Monday, November 08, 2004
today.
its funny how life works. one moment u've happy n u feel like u've the luckiest girl in the world n the next u'll be feeling way down there below. it feels as tho im a leaf in the wind. fragile amidst all the strong natural elements out there. actually im not more than a speck in the sky or a grain in the earth. wat does it matter- when we can all be snuffed out. just like tt?
i believe tt death is amoral. or maybe tt death is biased.its like this cloaked figure descending down to wrench one from the lights of this earth. n it always seems as tho it takes the best pple away fr this place. whyy her? why them? why does it happen? how bout those left behind?
all this sparked b4 i left home to accompany my cousin to undress the wound from her split thumb. it all echos what happened a yr before.
the stoicness of her expression when i talked to her unerved me. i told her i was gg out n she just stared at me w a smile on her face. she was wheeled into my cramped room while they moved in the hospital bed. her face ashen she told me to 'not worry n carry on studying'
i left anyway, having a nagging feeling but brushing it aside. i carried on w my work. the 0s were here. nothing could happen, she was always there wasnt she?
receiving a call n coming home to find red lights outside the house. walking home and seeing the huge black tent in front of the house.
moving in to see how she was doing. inching in towards the shinning brown box half in the living room.
slurred.glucose water being spat out when fed. sitting on the bed n dapping her lips with glucose water.
disorientation and denial. coaxing her swollen feet into meditative position. fighting till the very end.
crouched at the bottom of the bed in the darkened room. releasing birds as offerings of merit. walking into the forest for refuge when were told her veins were closed. realising but not realising. woken up to be told 'go. vomitting blood. ruptured.' shaking gather wats left of inner strength. the whir of the oxygen tank. the prayer music echoing. the hushed voices n trembling hands. n above all the silence. i sat on this edge n she the other. held her frigid cold hands. watched the pulse at the neck. and i swear tt i knew before the rest. kissed her. she is free from the burdens of a body.
i never knew it would happen n i never really accepted it. i guess thats why i dont talk about a lot of things. its just like something too sacred, too abstract to share w pple who have never gone thru it b4. n i guess its also cos it hurts n i deal w things cementified, n talking would put a crack in tt strong surface. its like, why delve deeper when all is right and sundry above? i dunno. what happened today brought back memories. n i believe she is ok now because she was here. n im glad. all i know is tt im a stronger person now n i no longer care what pple think of me as much as i used to. nothing can get to me tt easily cos ive experienced what is what i thought the worst possible tt could ever happen already. whatever happens, happens for a reason n we should trust it that. i missed her knowing n i dun want tt to happen again. but it seemed as tho it had happened again today. i have lots to learn n i will learn it somehow.
i realise not many will understand wat im saying. its ok, its good in a way. i nvr expect anything fr anyone n i nvr expect anything fr this either.
Things might get me down, but i will not let it break me. i'll live by her example.
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dreamed.at .|. 2:04 AM