Destiny spinning a parachute flower to seed

Monday, October 18, 2004
s t r a i n e d

Depressed.
man. it is heard from mr chan tt there are people in our class who are gonna get retained. okay, maybe 1 person(?) me, perhaps? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i have this really badbadbadbadbad feeling. our class is so damn smart, its not hard to imagine who this retainee might be. n im like struggling w my studies ever since i came to nj in march. bleh. why why? did i take science in nj when i didnt in the 1st 3 mnths?! ok, no use asking why. its too late. im so scared la. its me.. i can feel it. bio bad, chem-superbly flunked, math- better..but is it better enough?? n lit.... lit is so unpredictable. what if the teachers dont like my intepretation? :( sighh.

i've never felt like such a failure before. i mean, i used to be able to cope fine in cedar.. hardly failed anything except amath. n the thought never crossed my mind tt i might get retained. shheesh. wats happening to me? have my brain cells dwindled or is it just the nj-thing? maybe i cant cope in nj, maybe im not good enough. maybe i overestimated myself....
n to have to attend normal lessons like normal w/o knowing the results is terrible. i mean, i feel really unsettled. its like, if u are gonna retain me then OUT with it. i'll take it in my stride(i hope) and i'll need to make arrangements ok. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
life sucks when u suck at what u've supposed to be doing. ie-studying.

n its worse when pple ard u dont get it. like when u feel really worried n horrible n u feel like u need to talk to someone bout it.. n some pple just snap at u n throw a temper. asking u to quit worrying ie-shut up. now tts really nice. i mean, pple react differently in different situations rite. some fret while others deal w it differently. so theres really no reason to snap just because u feel differently about something.

sorry, im aware that not many of u are interested in the plagues of my life so i shall stop now. oh well, had to let it out somewhere.

the sun will go on rising, whether i get retained or not. yeah, sure.

p.s- thanks shubei, maria n pris :)

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